wish i may, wish i might
Fri. 04.29.05 - 10:45 a.m.

Feeling: worrysome, but ignoring it fairly well
Listening: enrique
Quote:

i'm starting to find it funny how just the slightest mention of something can start the snowballing of fears in me.

i probably should be talking to J about this, i told him i'd be more open with him about my fears.. but hell, how many times is a person expected to calm your fears? it would just get annoying after a while. it's annoying to ME and they're MY fears!

I don't know why i get so scared and confused. I realize that i'm insecure.. but all of the times i've ever let my guard down.. i just got hurt. I was thinking about this yesterday, too. How i REALLY start to doubt someone when i realize that i care about them a lot. To make it even worse, while i was blind to the reality of how two-faced people in relationships can be, i'm certainly not blind to it anymore. Maybe even paranoid about it. It's a scary thought.. someone who tells you they love you, will always be there for you.. while in the meantime they really have no intention of pursuing things further with you. As much as i loved ethe, that's exactly how our situation was. and as MUCH as i care about him and, unfortunately in some ways idolize the way we were, our relationship has had a HUGE impact on how fuqed up and scared i've been about pursuing other relationships. I trusted him and he completely abused that, whether he meant to or not. If i could care THAT MUCH about someone, believe that they cared THAT MUCH about me in return, yet have them lie and hurt me the way he did.. what's to stop any other dude from doing the same?

blah. maybe i am really fuqed up. it's not like it's all-consuming, these thoughts. it's just.. this little voice somewhere in the background sometimes; whispering fears. i sure wish it would shut the heck up though.

when i hear his voice, i'm a million times calmer. but like i said, i shouldn't need him to "calm" my fears or reassure me. I should be secure enough. Maybe that's another reason why i don't like talking to him about this stuff. i don't want to reveal a weakness. though i'm sure he realizes by now how self-deprecating i can be, he doesn't need added confirmation. that's where part of my fear comes from, too. I get scared that the more he knows me, the more he'll see things he doesn't like. righ tnow he talks about how great and wonderful and amazing i am.. i realize that people have those glasses on in the beginning of a relationship and they eventually take them off.. but what if in taking them off he sees someone he doesn't like? that's what happened with Y and i.. we didn't like each other very much as people. all i want is someone who not only loves me, but genuinely likes me as a person. someone who loves my company, loves being around me. someone who finds sees my kindness and doesn't take it for granted or advantage of it. someone who's willing to overlook my dorky sense of humor enough to sincerely laugh at my jokes. someone who calls me their best friend.

and someone who thinks i fuqing rock the casbah.

is that so much to ask? =P

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