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slow motion Feeling: tired J flew up for the weekend; he even managed to get 2 days leave so we could spend some extra time together. I was excited to see him.. so i don't know why when he finally got here i spent half of the weekend annoyed and irritable towards him. I realize i'm going through a lot. Work is stressful, the fact that i don't live at home half the week is stressful, money being tight is stressful.. throw in the fact that i'm trying to deal with not only my emotions but being responsible for someone else's as well. No wonder i feel overwhelmed at times. Ethe kept popping up all weekend long and i didn't handle it very well. In fact, i think i let it irritate the situation even more. Hell yes i miss him, hell yes i wish things could have been different. but they're NOT. and they'll NEVER be different. he'll never be different. PLUS, aside from all that, jerry's a REALLY great guy. He's funny, smart and SUPER sweet to me. as hard as it is for me to acknowledge that there are people out there who care about me, he somehow manages to get me to KNOW that he would do just about anything for me. He deserves my all and not only does he deserve it, i WANT to give that to him. I'll admit i have a hard time opening up to him.. he has to drag things out of me sometimes. but it's only because i'm so scared of getting hurt again and i really believe it's not permanent. it'll just take time. i'm actually a lot better about opening up to him than i was in the beginning. his unbelieveable patience helps, too. le sigh. i need to just not be so high-strung, scared, analytical (ha!) and go with the flow.. slowly. also, not let my past influence my present the way i have. j and i had a long talk the day he left.. tuesday. I told him how i've been feeling overwhelmed and maybe we should cool down a LOT. in a way, it's not what i want. i WISH i could just be open to being with him and be HAPPY. yet somehow i manage to let things get in the way of that. why? anyway, i thought things were great after we had the talk. he agreed to cool down a little for my sake. what happened after he got back to san diego? he stopped calling, wouldn't say he loved me unless i initiated it.. it just started feeling weird and distant. did i screw things up? i had a talk with him this morning about it in which he tried to assure me that of course he cared about me; he was just trying to give me the space i'd told him i needed. while i feel better after our talk, i just can't help but wonder how messed up i really am. i see that i'm NOT ready to deal with all of this, but how unfair is it that i WANT to, i WANT to try with him, he's a good guy.. and yet, the timing isn't the best. my stupid heart and head are still trying to heal. That's the thing that scares me.. i don't want to mess up a potentially good thing simply because i'm still hurting and healing. i think as long as i go slow, no pressure, no over-analyzation.. it'll be good. wonderful, even.
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