the front
Wed. 09.29.04 - 5:05 a.m.

Feeling: worn
Listening: nothing
Quote:

I don't know i haven't written in here lately. I have so much to say. I suppose i'm avoiding it all.

Adam and I are friends again. We had a talk last week about everything that happened and once we saw that we were on the same page, everything just went back to normal. Same ol' good buddies. If you sense a bit of sarcasm, you're probably right. I don't get it though. But then again, maybe I do. I think it all goes back to acceptance.. obtaining it. Having someone 'accept' me the way i want them to accept me.

It's funny, last night we spent an hour or two talking; well, he talked and i listened. For as long as i've known him, he's always been really outgoing, cheery; anything bad happens he doesn't complain he just laughs it off. Which is good in most ways. But i guess i pointed it out- which shocked the hell out of him. "No one's ever called me out on it, in my entire life." Maybe i saw it easily because i'm the same way. I mean, i do talk about my feelings and thoughts often, but those are the ones that don't hurt me to say. I'm ok with baring those. It's just the other stuff that's harder. The stuff that not just anyone gets to know.

Anyway, after the whole talk i was left a little moody. For one, i guess it's because it reminded me of how Ethe and I used to be.. how i could tell him anything and he'd accept it. Accept me. What's even more, he wouldn't put up with me answering 'i'm fine' when asked 'how are you?'. He'd call me on it. 'No, how are you really.' That's the way i've been my whole life though.. put up a front, if people REALLY want to know they will keep pressing. I can't blame people for taking me at face value, and i don't think i do.. it's just, i wish someone would care enough to not only ask further, but to know me enough to realize that's how i am. The thing is, if i'm honest, John's always known me pretty damn well. I can't really get stuff past him. The difference with his is that he chooses to treat me like an adult. which means.. if i have a problem, i should open my mouth and say something. he's right, too. maybe i'm childish for holding back. the other reason i think he doesn't press is because he's just so damn gentle with me. maybe he's like that with everyone though, but yeah, he doesn't push. maybe i want him to push though. like maybe i equate the pushing with care. does it equal though?

I'm rambling. Basically here's where i'm at..

Adam and I are just friends. However, I admit to having a crush on him. Perhaps it's simply because he and I spend so much time together and he's been the first person in a while to listen to me. Plus he has this really sweet/sensitive side and such a damn sucker for that crap. Deep down i know that this crush isn't really anything and it has nothing on the way i've felt about people in the past or present. I'm supposed to visit him sometime in October and I guess i'm hoping that i'll have gotten over this school-girl crush be then in time to just relax and have fun with a good friend.

Boston. I was supposed to go but I completely procrastinated on the whole thing. To be quite honest, i think i did it on purpose which really pisses me off. John and I were supposed to hang out then and it REALLY WAS something that I wanted.. it's just that i was so afraid of it.. and this time, i let the fear win. Now i'm having to deal with letting him down YET AGAIN (i promised i'd fly down to SD in JUNE and never did). I'm sure at some point he'll see that i'm an idiot and give up on me.

I have more to say but it's almost 5:30 and time for me to leave if i want to catch my train. by the way.. i hate my commute.

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