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In a way it's good, too Feeling: content Weird entry last night, i know. I was kind of in a place where i had a lot to take in but wasn't sure how to do that. Normally that would have been a good time to write an entry as it would have maybe helped me to figure things out.. but honestly, i was just too tired. I'm actually perfectly fine today, i got the chance to think between the time i went to bed up 'til now. So here's the deal. I haven't really written this here before because for one, i was still trying to figure it out in my head.. but didn't want to put it in here because the person it was about, happens to read this diary occasionally. But i've come to several conclusions though. (yay list time!) 1. it's my diary. and i try to take it as seriously as one CAN take an online diary. the minute i start to hold back.. it's really just hurting me because this is my place to vent. My outlet. 2. I shouldn't be afraid of my thoughts and feelings because they're just that.. MINE. what makes me, me. and if someone's weirded out by that, that's fine- they're welcome to their opinion, but they can choose to not listen. and i want to be accepted for who i am anyway and how i think/feel is a part of that, right? "You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job." -Laurence J. Peter 3. my friend's not stupid. he realizes all those things. AS WELL AS the fact that everything in here should always be taken with a grain of salt. just because i have an entry three days in a row about how shitty i feel doesn't mean i'm a horrible depressing person who wants to kill herself. heh no, it means that this is my outlet so of course there's likely to be weird things said. they're thoughts fresh from my head that haven't had the chance to be censored, best case scenario. and that's how i want it to be. because a year from now, i can look back at past entries and see where i REALLY was. again though, just because something is written in here, DOESN'T mean that it invades my thoughts 24/7. it just means that it's something i thought about and needed to get down "on paper" for whatever reason. Look at me, i'm rambling. anyhow, what i was trying to say, before i got sidetracked, is that i wanted to write an entry about other things that have been going on but i've felt like i couldn't put them in here. now though, i don't really care so much who reads this. it's my diary and my thoughts so blah. another thing i was going to say was that even though the moment has passed, i already started writing about it last night so i might as well just "come clean" and give my take on it from today's perspective. ugh i feel like i've been talking for an hour already and i haven't even gotten to what the heck i wanted to write. i suppose me continuing to ramble on and on like this doesn't help, eh? i wonder if this diary is really as boring as i think it is. i bet it is. i really don't think anyone would find this interesting in the least. heh ok i'll shut up now. So i have this friend, right? 'Cept lately i've kind of liked him as more than a friend. Which is kind of interesting because it doesn't seem to have had much of an effect on our friendship.. which i think is pretty cool. What was i saying? oh yes, so a friend that i like. He lives far away. Well, not FAR far away but i live in northern cali and he lives in southern cali. I guess i felt like we've gotten a little closer lately so it got me to thinkin.. what if i ended up really liking him. was there a possibility for it to go anywhere that wasn't just friendshippy? So i got the courage (where the hell i found it i'm still trying to figure out) to ask him straight out. He said that a long distance relationship wasn't something that he would do. Simply because it's just too hard and would be unfair to the both of us. "It leads to longing and heartache" I think were his exact words. The thing is, i couldn't really argue with that.. because i've been there. I've done it before, and it sucked. I mean, you can make it work for a little while.. but after that it just adds things to a situation that could do without it. How funny though, that these past few months i kept saying how when i'm ready to date again i'd rather it not be with anyone in the same zip code. I realize now why i said that. Because i knew i wasn't ready. I just got out of a 4 year relationship. I SO don't want to fall into that trap again. I guess i simply just didn't want the responsibility of having a real relationship.. which is what he was trying to say about long-distance types. They're not "real" relationships. You really only have the good moments. You don't get to be around for the rest of the time. It's just ironic to me that i would wish so hard for something like that.. then unknowingly have this pretty great guy creep up on me and he lives far away. It's ironic because i'm finding myself wishing he DIDN'T live so far away. argh. my head needs to be E-X-A-M-I-N-E-D. I have to admit, as much as i agreed with him on that, it still sucked to have to be faced with the reality of it. I mean (ugh and i HATE to even bring this up in the same entry but i think it's important, so bear with me), as much as i've THOUGHT in the past that i'd met some really great people that were worth dating.. John kind of set the bar in a way. and i actually mean that even just as a friend, you can't help but take note of how great of a person he is. He's genuine and honest and witty and just.. simply a great guy. When you have people in your life who you respect like that, it helps you realize that THAT'S the kind of people you could benefit from having in your life. And that you shouldn't settle for anything less than that, ya know? So i'm just saying, he pretty much served that purpose for me, by just being my friend. He DID say that he'd have loved nothing more than if i moved there (for MYSELF, not for HIM as you shouldn't move for another person, EVER -pat me on the back for knowing that!) but we both know that's very unlikely. I mean, i just moved to San Francisco.. i don't think i'd want to live in San Diego. Granted i've never been there.. but there's nothing there for me. I don't know anyone there. hehe ok fine, i don't know anyone here either, but still! ugh. whatever. Anyhow, so in a moment where i was feeling a little down about finally realizing where we stood, he said "life sucks sometimes.. but in other ways it's good." and he meant.. it sucked that i lived so far away but it's still good that we met. How do you argue with that? You can't. When i first started to realize that i had more than friendly feelings towards him, i kind of struggled with it a little. I knew the distance thing was an issue and i remember thinking about how glad i was to have met him.. and that even if we had HAD the opportunity to go out or whatever, if it didn't work out and we found we couldn't be friends as a result of that, i think i'd be crushed. Because i'd really rather have him as a friend than nothing at all. and if it means having to just sit back quietly and like my close friend from 600 miles away while knowing it'll never go anywhere other than frienship, then so be it. If by some stroke of luck something developed years down the line, then great.. and if not, well i still have my friend. So i'm not even going to think on it. Because if at the end of the day, i have this amazing friend in my life who i'm just simply thankful for.. that's enough.
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