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still standing Feeling: exhausted, irritated Looks like i'm going to live after all (knock on wood). My doctor thinks the hives are due to an allergic reaction to the new thyroid medicine the other doctor put me on last week. She wrote me a prescription for a higher dose of my old medicine. As for the hives THAT ARE NOW COVERING MY ENTIRE BODY? Well, i guess they're pretty bad. She gave me a shot of steroids while i was in her office and then wrote a prescription for a week's worth of steroid treatment. And the supercold/flu/whatevertheheck i have? More antibiotics, another medicine andddd an inhaler. yep. I've been having a hard time breathing, it hurts and i feel like i'm wheezing. She took one listen to my lungs and said, no joke, "oh my god!" my response? "yep." FINALLY someone has a TINY bit of an idea of how i've been feeling because they actually HEARD IT. blah. She wanted to give me breathing treatment in her office but one of the other doctors took the machine home. hehe.. how funny is that. Sooo.. she handed me an inhaler (which she had to teach me how to use). She told me to take the rest of the week off from work but i told her i couldn't.. that i have a lot of work, i've been sick for 2 weeks and i have a class to teach tomorrow. So she said to just take tonight off and only teach my class tomorrow. But guess what? Work isn't being so patient with me anymore. They're irritated that i'm sick and not getting better.. so i told my boss and husband i'd cover the store till midnight (i opened at 9am this morning) so that they could go home. I think that got me back on their good side a little. I understand that they have a business to run and that my being sick is slowing things down, but FUCK have some compassion. i'm SICK and i'm TRYING to get better but the more they guilt me into working when i'm still sick, the longer it's going to take me to get better. obviously this thought has escaped them. I've been pretty upset with the situation and am now trying to weigh my options. There's bartending school.. but could i really find anything that would offer me full-time when i'm a newbie? plus with all the time i've been off, i doubt work would be so happy to grant me a week off from work so i can go take a class. Something in my life needs to change though. While i was in the doctor's office she gave me a little lecture about it. She knows my situation and the last time i saw her, she gave me a long speech about how i shouldn't be doing this commute, that it's not healthy. I wish i could change things, but it's just not that simple. I called Monkey and told him what's been going on.. i got the same speech from him. "you always have options casey." not when i have to pay rent i don't. I was sitting in the doctor's office and she just looked at me and said, "are you ok?" i sort of stammered and she said, "are you alright? because you're shaking." and i was. i'm just EXHAUSTED. I'm tired of being sick, i'm tired of it hurting when i BREATHE, i'm tired of coughing, i'm tired of PEOPLE. I feel like no one understands how i'm feeling or what i'm going through. "you're still sick?!" "you're always sick." well FUCK. ME. SO I'M SICK. don't like it? leave me the fuck alone. I don't think there's a single person at the moment who's supportive about how i'm feeling. There have been a few exceptions: jim brought me lunch the other week when i first started to be able to eat again, and my mom wanted me to go to the doctor so badly today (i almost didn't go) she sent me money and a direct order to see the doctor. But i feel like everyone's just so tired of my "still" being sick and i'm getting either negative attitude or just indifference. Maybe i'm just emotional right now.. all i want to do is cry, i'm so sick. For the first time in a long time, i have the urge to fly back to hawaii, lock myself in my old bedroom and not answer the door for anyone but my mommy. i think i'm going to go home tomorrow and ignore everyone for the weekend. I think they all suck and i just want to be left alone because all they do is make me feel worse. end rant. p.s. my arm hurts like a MOTHER from the shot and i can't wait to go home tomorrow. i hate being stuck here at work (going on 13 hours wee!)
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