No Self-Pity
Tues. 07.13.04 - 7:06 p.m.

Feeling: gloomy
Listening: nothing
Quote:

While cleaning out some files on my harddrive i came across this doc. A conversation i'd had with Ethe a while ago. I do that sometimes; if i have a conversation with someone that i want to remember- something that i think i should reread because it has a really great message behind it, i save it. This conversation.. well, it showed a part of me that most of my friends don't get to see very often, or maybe even know it exists. I've always felt pretty safe with him though, and he's always understood me.. which i guess is the reason why i let this conversation take place. See, normally i'd have gotten really angry at the person, denied everything they said and told them where they could go. But i think it helped, having it come from him... because i knew that he wouldnt have said such a thing about me unless it were true.. unless he felt that it was so important i recognize this in myself. And i do. I see it. They say that's the first step in changing. Lets hope so.


Hamak0san: i really am seriously considering the army
Him: why?
Him: why the military?
Hamak0san: i dunno.. maybe i'm being lazy and trying to just throw my life in someone else's hands.. obviously i dont do a good job with it. heh
Him: that's not reason enough
Hamak0san: ethe.. i'm just tired of caring
Hamak0san: and this gives me a way out
Hamak0san: i wouldnt have to care about anyone
Hamak0san: i'd just be doing some stupid job
Hamak0san: and .. yeah
Him: listen to that case
Hamak0san: i know it's not easy. but i also know i could do it
Him: you're running again
Him: just a 'way out'
Hamak0san: so
Him: so you have to stop doing things because you're escaping
Him: and start doing things because you're running towards them
Him: if that makes sense
Hamak0san: NO!
Hamak0san: last time i tried that.. this would be good for me
Hamak0san: i'd be different
Him: you have to make your own decisions
Him: but they have to be real decisions
Him: not whims
Hamak0san: this is a real decision
Hamak0san: i've always thought about it
Hamak0san: i considered it after high school
Hamak0san: it was always something that i thought about doing
Hamak0san: right before Y and i broke up.. i considered it then, too
Him: then do it
Hamak0san: yeah
Him: i can't judge you, i won't judge you anymore, it has gotten me into too much trouble
Hamak0san: yeah
Him: i think you do a lot of things incorrectly
Hamak0san: yeah
Hamak0san: i find it funny that you say i go back on what i say.. and yet, you do the same thing
Him: i never said i wasn't a hypocrite
Hamak0san: and thats supposed to make it ok
Him: not okay
Hamak0san: i'm so FUCKING SICK of people judging me when they're not perfect themselves
Hamak0san: I NEVER SAID I WAS PERFECT
Hamak0san: NEVER
Him: i know
Him: but i think you're less than you can be
Hamak0san: and what.. i'm such a fucking HORRIBLE person because i'm not perfect?!
Hamak0san: god you're just like him
Him: you're making me out to be like HIM
Hamak0san: no. i think it's been shown i cant make you do anything.
Him: i never said you were horrible
Him: i still think you're amazing
Him: but you're less than you can be
Him: you're less happy than you can be
Hamak0san: what the hell am i supposed to do
Hamak0san: god someone TELL ME
Hamak0san: because i have no clue
Hamak0san: i'm ALONE. i'm HURT. i'm TORN. and i have nothing
Hamak0san: what the hell do you expect
Hamak0san: say it
Him: stop feeling sorry for yourself
Hamak0san: so what if i am
Him: it prevents you from doing anything to make yourself happy
Hamak0san: there's nothing that can make me happy
Him: you have to look for it
Him: and you'd be happy if you were busy looking for it on your own
Him: case?
Hamak0san: i'm here
Him: what are you thinking
Hamak0san: that i'm being mean because i know you're right
Hamak0san: god ethe.. i just wish you were here.. even just as a friend =(
Hamak0san: and i know i need to do this on my own
Hamak0san: and i know i'm making myself miserable
Hamak0san: i know..
Him: i'm trying to let you do this on your own
Hamak0san: i know
Hamak0san: and it needs to be this way
Hamak0san: but it doesnt make it any easier
Hamak0san: i've gotten very far off track
Hamak0san: and i see it
Hamak0san: suppose it's a lot of why i've been feeling so miserable... and how the army thing came up
Hamak0san: sorry i messaged you
Him: case don't apologize for talking to me, i wish you'd never stop talking to me... i'm trying to help you in some way
Hamak0san: no i dont want to be helped. i want to be fixed and perfect and amazing
Him: you have the last two down
Hamak0san: thanks for lying
Him: nope, not about that, never about that
Hamak0san: you think i dont know how everyone sees the things i've done.. how they see ME now
Him: you don't need people who don't need you
Hamak0san: that's the thing.. no one ever needs me
Hamak0san: i give away so much
Hamak0san: and they dont even need it
Hamak0san: or want it
Hamak0san: they just take it because hey, free stuff, right
Hamak0san: i was at work today...
Hamak0san: and they stuck me up in the front.. stupid greeting. i think that's one of the most degrading things. but hey, it pays, right? anyway... so I was standing there, near the entrance and i noticed this girl.. standing out on the sidewalk.. with an Orbitz shirt on.. passing out free samples of gum people would pass by and take them from her.. she barely even said anything.. just stuck her hands out.. right in front of people and they wouldn't even break their stride.. theyd just take it and continue on i must have been there for an hour.. and i watched her the whole time and i couldnt help but wonder.. how many of those people even knew what they were getting? were they just taking it because it was free?
Hamak0san: did they even know what she was giving away?
Hamak0san: and that's me
Hamak0san: i'm starting to realize what people really mean when they say you have to love yourself more than anyone. that is, of all the people that love you, you have to be the one who loves you the most
Hamak0san: i never got that before
Hamak0san: but i think i'm starting to understand it
Hamak0san: i dont know how to fix this, ethan
Hamak0san: i know what i want
Hamak0san: i know what i dont want
Him: what?
Him: what do you want?
Hamak0san: what i want is what i'm afraid of, too
Hamak0san: which makes it hard
Him: fuck being afraid
Hamak0san: yeah i know
Hamak0san: more than anything.. i want to be happy. SO completely happy and content, ethan
Hamak0san: just happy
Hamak0san: happy with myself
Hamak0san: who i am
Hamak0san: what i've accomplished
Hamak0san: and secure
Him: what do you want to accomplish?
Hamak0san: school
Hamak0san: work
Hamak0san: eventually.. maybe meet someone
Him: i've said this from the beginning
Him: go to school
Hamak0san: yeah.. i know
Him: you can take loans
Him: you can work for the school
Him: you can try to keep a part time job
Him: you'd make ends meet
Hamak0san: yeah
Him: enroll
Hamak0san: i will
Hamak0san: i was already planning on it
Him: so do it
Him: make a deadline for yourself
Him: and do it
Hamak0san: yeah
Him: can i tell you something about us?
Hamak0san: yes
Him: it's the one thing that i couldn't deal with about you... how you could be so happy, you're such an amazing person with so much to offer the world, but you didn't do anything...you just felt sorry for yourself...and i didn't want you to just depend on me or us for happiness...it shouldn't be that way, i couldn't have it be that way... it's the one thing that kept driving me away, that forced me to second guess my feelings for you so many times that i would just end up confused
Him: and i kept asking myself...what happens when you know you love someone, but one thing, just one thing makes you second guess getting involved with them
Him: and that's the entire truth of it
Hamak0san: so maybe it's time i take responsibility for my life
Hamak0san: instead of just going with the flow
Him: i didn't want that to hurt you
Hamak0san: nah.. it hurts.. but it's not anything i didnt know about myself.
Hamak0san: and... maybe hearing it from you is a good thing
Hamak0san: so, i appreciate your honesty. and thank you.. really
Him: i should have said it a while ago
Him: i just couldn't
Him: i'm still in love with you... i was never 'out of love with you'... it's that one thing, the abovementioned, that has confused me...it's what i meant by "you changed".. maybe you didn't change, i was just too busy falling for you in the beginning to notice... i pranced around with a few girls recently, but i never felt that elusive it with them...the it that i feel whenever i talk to you...if we'll never be more than friends, that's the truth behind all of it...what held me back
Him: case?
Hamak0san: i'm here
Hamak0san: thanks for your honesty
Hamak0san: that sounds fake.. but i mean it
Hamak0san: ethe... i'm so sorry
Him: it's not me you have to apologize to
Him: it's yourself
Hamak0san: i know
Him: no feeling sorry for yourself case
Him: just deal with it

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