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Just in time for the holidays.. Feeling: sleepy ugh i'm such a horrible diarist. I remember a time not too long ago where i couldn't go half a day without venting in here. These days, i avoid writing about what's going on in my life and how i'm feeling. I wish i would write more though.. i'll bet it would help. It's confession time yet again. I did something pretty stupid and as usual, i'm regretting it. Earlier this year, Adam and i made a promise to eachother that we'd spend Thanksgiving together. Even after all of the weirdness, my trip to san diego, my little 'breakdown' a few weeks ago, and drunken phone calls back and forth.. we still wanted to spend Thanksgiving together. The ticket's already been bought. Now, i don't really think i want to spend Thanksgiving with him anymore. Go figure, huh. I'm kinda proud of myself though.. that i'm starting to see things clearly; that this guy who i thought was my friend, isn't really the nice guy that i thought and that our friendship certainly doesn't mean a whole hell of a lot to him either. Over the last couple of weeks i've been trying to get myself back on track and surrounding myself with friends (real ones) that only support and encourage me. I'm learning a lot about the kind of people that i want in my life and the ones that i don't (and how to let go of toxic relationships). As it stands, i haven't called Adam in a week and i'm not planning on it. He still has a ticket to fly out here on Thanksgiving morning but as he hasn't called me in a week either, for all i know he could be having second thoughts just like i am and simply not show up. While in all honesty i'd rather not spend Thanksgiving alone, there's another part of me that really is ok if he doesn't show up. His loss. AND the way i see it, it's better for me if he doesn't come. I know i'm a chicken for not just telling him "hey, i think it's better if you don't come." Maybe part of me isn't telling him that because deep down i DO want one last happy time with him and i don't want to have to spend a holiday alone.. but the reality of it all is that if he doesn't come, i won't be so upset either. I'll be just fine. There's more i have to update on but as usual, another entry for another time.
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