pickled
Mon. 08.16.04 - 8:12 p.m.

Feeling: stressed
Listening: One Thing - Finger Eleven
Quote:

I had the day off today. It seems like there are a million new things that have been heaped onto my plate over the last few weeks, days.. yet I still managed to accomplish nothing today.

I played pool with Monkey. A lot. The thing is, it's all I could focus on. It was a huge stress-reliever, too. M always says I "hit the hell out of the balls." Maybe that's why I usually feel so much better after our usual 3 or 5 games.

I DID manage to clean my art desk.. which has been begging to be cleaned for about 3 months now. There are some light touches I still need to make.. but UGH i feel a lot better having that cleaned.

I talked to Ethe a little today. I hadn't really talked to him in about two days. He left a message for me last night but I didn't get home until around 11pm; way past bedtime in Boston.

Ten days until i'm supposed to be in Boston. I'm SO stressed it's not even funny. Well, I'm trying NOT to be stressed because this is a trip that i've been dying to make since forever and i'd hate for it to be ruined even if he did flake on me.

Yes, i'm afraid he'll flake on me. blahhhh. He keeps saying "Casey, i'll be there." But i can't help but be scared. I've been let down so many times. Many of those times by him. I told him that our distance lately (we haven't been talking much- once every few days) isn't exactly comforting. He made some comment about how I probably don't even notice when he's gone. It really bothered me because i feel like he must be pulling some stunt. He's GOT to be kidding with that one. He KNOWS that I miss him when he's not around. I think he just simply doesn't want to be honest about his distance- he's trying to come up with a legit reason to flake on me that will still keep me around once it's been delivered. I told him that i'd never speak to him again if he screwed this up.

This is what makes or breaks us. Our friendship too. It would really REALLY hurt me to have to cut him out of my life but if someone could be so callous, someone who says he loves me.. to allow me to fly out there and flake on me like that.. then i shouldn't care about their feelings anymore. I shouldn't even care about MY feelings other than the fact that I've gotten hurt and that person wouldn't be healthy to be around. I made it very clear to him that i had no backup plan (and i DON'T). At first I thought about asking a friend of mine to come with me, but she can't. I don't have the spare cash to get a hotel for a whole week. Yep, i really got myself into a pickle this time.

Dammit. I just want this to work out. Just this. Please just let me have a nice time in Boston. I've been waiting for this since November. I seriously NEED a vacation too. I've been so stressed out.. there's just a lot going on right now.

I bought the ticket because he said he needed me. He said he wanted me there. He's been asking me all summer to fly out.. and although I didn't go sooner because of monetary reasons, i also knew that in a tiny way i was purposely pushing it off. I've been afraid. I knew that this would be the be all or end all. When we talked earlier he got upset with me about how i have close guy friends; particularly John. John and I have never met- we're only friends from online.. but yeah, i feel like i've known him my whole life and I consider him one of my closest friends. He's always been there for me, supported me, listened when I needed it. It was just really frustrating though, to have to calm Ethe's fears about my relationships with other people vs my relationship with him. It irritated me, even.. because he should know. After all of the crap that i've put up with- i shouldn't have to put down my walls, bear my heart to him so that HE can feel better about my feelings for him. Not when he's been AWOL on me lately. AND THEN! After that whole "make him feel good" session.. he freakin' leaves. God I was so pissed. I haven't talked to him since. I'm so HURT and angry. It makes me even angrier that i'm hurt.

Like how many times am i going to have to be hurt in this, you know? It's ridiculous.

All i know is this.. If he isn't at that airport on the 26th to pick me up, I'm not only cutting him out of my life.. but I'm never trusting another man ever again.

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