Startin' it with a Bang
Wed. 01.05.05 - 11:31 a.m.

Feeling: depressed
Listening: green day
Quote: "The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul." - Chesterton

ahh.. san diego. lovely city. new year's eve. a time for celebration. but of course, throw me into the mix and you have a recipe for disaster.

So first of all, i was already dreading the trip. Sure, i was being a wuss. In my (partial) defense, i felt like things were already starting to become a bit 'different' between John and I. Not good different. Just that week, he'd told me about a situation between he and his mom that got me questioning not only his, but the loyalty of EVERY FREAKIN' MAN ON THE PLANET. See, he and his mom had gotten in a tiff which brought the two of us onto the subject of family loyalty.

My stand is that you NEVER turn your back on family. His stand? You shouldn't put up with crap from anyone. To each his own, but i have to admit it hurt me. Maybe i took it too personal but in my mind all i could think was "if someone would be willing to turn their back on family, what would stop them from walking out on just a friend?" of course nothing. I actually had a long talk with Monkey about it, it bothered me so much. It was in that instant that i realized he and i would never be compatible as anything more than friends and even then i lost a lot of confidence in trusting him. Monkey tried to "talk some sense" into me but i just feel really strongly about family, friends and loyalty. I'll admit, i'm loyal to a fault.. but you know, i choose to be this way. And maybe in some cases it hurts me (i.e. Adam) but i'd like to think it hurts the other person more than it does me because at least i know i give 110% of myself to everyone.. total unconditional love and acceptance. Most people never experience that type of love all their life.. but many people in my life have told me over and over again that i have this unique ability of making everyone feel comfortable and loved, without question. Actually, a few weeks ago i got the following text message out of the blue from Y:

"Thank you for showing me what unconditional love is, but i don't know to love you more or hate you for it, because i can't find this in anyone else but with you. But you are not the Casey i used to love. But i know you've changed and been made stronger, and i can never have the same Casey again. My feelings never change. I still miss what i had with you. Someone to hold, someone to love, someone who would just love me no matter how stupid me and my corny jokes might seem. Though i totally took it for granted when i had it with you. This is what i've been looking for with someone else since i lost you. =( I'm crying now and i don't know why these tears won't stop falling down but i know i fucked up when i had the world with you."

That night, after receiving his message. .i felt so guilty and immediately wanted to call him to see if he was ok.. just as a friend. He's right, i have changed. There's nothing between us anymore and i can't make it come back, nor do i want it to. Another thing he was right about- he took it for granted. EVERYONE in my live, everyone i've ever loved, does. Maybe that just comes with the territory.

Anyhow, i'm getting off track. My point is, i refuse to settle when it comes to love. I expect the person i end up with to love and appreciate me the way i'd do for them. At the SLIGHTEST hint that someone i'm interested in doesn't have that capability, i'm out. I'm not about to stick around with someone for four years, waiting for them to realize what an effing good (albeit often goofy, retarded AND SOMETIMES INSANE) catch i am.

So back to San Diego. I was hesitant about going, but i figured 1. i promised 2. new year's eve at home would suck 3. if nothing else, John and I have always had a fairly good friendship. So.. i went. Monkey drove me to the airport at 5:30 in the morning. We'd had a tiff the night before but as we pulled up to the curb, i got out of the car and he removed my bag from the trunk.. he looked down at me with a smile. We hugged and i told him i was sorry. "don't worry about it. just go have FUN! have a good time ok" "thanks, love you." and i was off. except, not really. Due to weather and SLOW ARSE ticket agents, i was stuck at the airport all day. I dont think i even got into San Diego until 5 or 6 that evening.

It's pretty weird meeting someone for the first time who you feel you know so much about. But i thought it went okay. I was nervous, as i usually am with everyone when i first meet them.. but i don't think it took me long to relax and feel comfortable. I think that says a lot. We got back to his apartment and then decided to hit up the gas lamp district to celebrate the new year. Well really, more like *i* decided and he obliged. I think he'd have rather stayed at home but was willing to take me because he knew i wanted to go.

So we get there. He's bored. I'm bored because he's bored. Somehow we decide to split up, mingle and meet up later. One too many long island ice teas later.. my phone rings. I answer. The person on the other end can't hear me; "hey, can you go somewhere where there's not so much noise so i can hear you?" and of course, me being the idiot that i am, i walked out of the bar. it was still really noisy out front so i walked to the end of the block, around the corner, still on the phone. But it was dark and i felt weird just standing there and a little unsafe so i kept walking.

(oh you KNOW where this is going)

I get lost.

While tipsy.

and then my cell phone dies.

good times.

SO i start to think.. if i can find someone with a similar phone, i can use their charger or even their battery to get my phone up again. I walk into the first bar, ask someone who works there who in turn asks other employees. No luck. I walk out, a little scared at this point. Guess i looked it because as i passed an alley these two guys near the entrance stopped me. I barely even remember what they said but somehow we got onto the subject of me being lost and my phone dying. One of the guys (who apparently worked in the bar next door) said that he had a similar phone but that his charger was inside. I asked if he could get it (while he was busy taking out the trash) and he agreed, said he'd be back in a bit. So i stayed. like an idiot. So there i am. In a dark alley, drunk, no phone, with a strange dude. i have to admit, he was nice. He offered to call someone for me. unfortunately in this day and age.. who needs to remember phone numbers when they're programmed into our cell phones? the only phone number i could remember was my home phone number back in San Francisco. I can't remember if he called or not (i know that i tried our house at some point in the night and of course, only got the answering machine). Luckily, my brain didn't COMPLETELY escape me and i realized that i knew the name of the bar where Adam works and that he was working that night (if you'll remember- he lives in SD. well, Pend|t0n to be exact). I knew if i could get the number of the bar from 411, i could get in touch with him. I relay this to the alley guy who asks who Adam is. i explain. The weird questions ensue.

So, do you ever just... hook up with a guy?

huh?

You know. you ever just have casual sex?

umm.. no.

Why not? it can be fun.

umm... no. i'm not like that. i'm very down to earth you know. (haha i crack myself up sometimes. i also shouldn't be allowed to speak when i'm drunk.)

so.. let me get this straight. you wander around drunk in cities you don't live in. you don't remember to charge your cell phone. you hang out with marines. yeah, seems very down to earth to me.

argh. but i swear i ammmmm.... (around this time i realize i'm not helping my case)

so then he whips out his cell and starts to call 411. He turns and heads up a stairway and tells me to follow him. i ask where he's going and he says he can't get reception.

like an idiot, i follow. (don't worry, he didn't kill me)

so there i am; alone with a strange dude on a rooftop in san diego, drunk and homeless. he calls 411. they can't find the bar. "are you sure that's the name?" "yes!"

I crouched down on the ground and started to sob (because you know, that HELPS in this type of situation). Alley guy goes "no no no.. don't do that!" then proceeds to pick me up and press me up against him in an effort to hug me. Really, i appreciated the sentiment and all... but after being asked if i enjoy engaging in casual sex while drunk in an alley with a strange dude.. i wasn't too comfortable with being hugged (and rubbed up against). sue me. i pulled away. he pulled me back up against him. i pulled away again and crouched back down. he left me alone that time (if you consider running your fingers through a stranger's hair leaving them alone). maybe i'm being mean.. i don't mean to sound like it. he really WAS a nice guy, i mean think of all the bad things that could have happened to me in that alley. i was VERY lucky. At this point someone called up to him from the alley (apparently he was supposed to be working too) so he ran down the steps and told me to wait where i was. I left.

I walked to the next bar. I met this really sweet girl who showed me where a payphone was and even gave me change for it. She called 411 again for me and this time had them do a search on the name of the bar in most of southern california, not just san diego. She rattled off the names of cities to me until one of them rang a bell. We called, and by the grace of GOD i heard adam's voice on the other end and i think that's when i broke down. I tried to explain what was going on. Know what he said?

"i can't, case."

yep. the guy who used to be my best friend, who couldn't go more than two hours without talking to me.. refused to help me while i was stuck in a city, no more than 45 minutes from him. Yes, he was at work. Yes, i caught him by surprise. Yes, i was hysterical. But does that matter? This is what i mean by loyalty. This is why i started to pull away from John before i even arrived in San Diego. It's like NO ONE on this planet knows what loyalty means anymore. Since when did loyalty start coming with conditions? "i'll be your best friend forever and ever (teehee~!) unless of course i.." apparently i didn't read the fine print.

I don't really remember what happened, as i was a little out of it. I know i talked to him again later and he told me to try to get in touch with John (how, i hadn't a clue). Then i met two people. First, a guy named Donnie and second, a guy named Tommy. Tommy offered to take me to whereever i needed to go (he was a marine and probably assumed he could have just taken me to adam's room). It was sweet of him but i could tell he was annoyed with the fact that he was now taking on the responsibility of caring for a girl who was drunk and crying. I told him thank you, but not necessary.. then i asked Donnie to ask Tommy to go home. I felt bad, but i just didn't want to deal with the embarrassment of the situation. He left and Donnie stayed with me for what felt like 2 hours.. right up until they started to close for the night. It turned out that he had the exact same cell phone i did so he gave me his battery and took my dead one.

Here's where i made an even bigger mistake.

I never called John.

I don't know why.. i guess i was just scared and figured he'd already be pissed at me so yeah, i did the typcial HAMAKO thing and just avoided it altogether, making things worse. I think because i'd decided in my own mind that he was no longer an option, i sort of forgot that he WAS one. If that makes sense. I left the bar and walked down a few streets. Of course, like every other girl that night and in that situation, even, i was approached a few times. I was scared and cold and it was COMPLETELY my fault. The funny thing is, i never thought to call John after i had got it in my head that he probably never wanted to deal with me again. At some point, while walking down some street a guy driving a rickshaw stopped me. He asked if i was ok and if i needed a ride. I said no thank you. He pressed further and asked again if i was ok.

Call me naive, but i just REALLY believe that he was one of those rare people who are genuinely nice and sincere. i'm ALWAYS right about my first impressions of people.. i just usually choose to ignore that inner voice and give a person the benefit of the doubt when that first instinct isn't such a good one. But with this guy, i just knew i could trust him. I told him what happened.

"ok, i need to finish up with work here but as soon as i'm done, i'll call you.. and you can stay on my couch. okay?"

I was so out of it i didn't even rememebr my phone number when he asked for it. i started panicking and he calmed me down and told me to call his number so he could store it. THAT'S how out of it i was. Not my proudest moment, i have to say. We parted ways and i don't know how much time passed before i found myself standing on a sidewalk when I heard John's voice say, "i knew if i drove around long enough i'd find you."

I remember looking up and saying something like, oh my god. I was just SO tired, cold and in shock. It's funny that i caused the entire situation, did it all to myself, and allowed it all to just go from bad to worse. All because i was too scared to face the stupid little mistake i'd made in the beginning.

Understandably he was too angry to want to talk to me that night. The next day, while he was pleasant, things were still just SO awkward. I finally got my phone charged and spent a lot of the day returning calls from people that had left me messages. One friend in particular was really worried about me as i'd apparently left him a voicemail while wandering around the previous night. I called him back and explained what happened. He offered to pick me up as he knew i was just REALLY upset and uncomfortable (again, of my own doing). I told him i'd think about it, that i wanted to talk to John first. I tried to talk to him but of course he didn't want to hear anything i had to say. So at that point, i decided that maybe it would just be best if i left. I called my friend back and asked if it was ok if i hung out at his place for a few hours while i figured out if i could get a flight out that night. He said of course. After John said we had nothing to talk about, i explained to him that i wanted to go home and that i had a friend willing to take me to the airport. He seemed completely indifferent to it all, so the part of me that would normally feel HORRIBLY guilty for leaving a situation like that, just shut up and looked out for what i really wanted to do- which was get out of a situation where i felt extremely uncomfortabe and unwelcomed.

So i left and he picked me up.

It turned out that i couldn't get a flight out that night, so i stayed the night at my friend's house and he took me to the airport he next day. The flights were so overbooked i actually didn't even get home until 11pm that night.

After being back in SF, i didn't want to tell anyone what happened. Monkey pried a little and as i've always trusted him, we talked about what went on. He told me that i should call John. I told him he was nuts and that John probably didn't ever want to hear from me again. I thought about it for a few days then decided to call. I got his answering machine and left a message. I told him that i understood if he didn't want to be friends anymore but that i'd hoped he wanted to talk and if so, for him to call me. He never did.

I want to say that i understand. In some ways, yes, i understand that he's angry and that what i did was selfish and childish and very dangerous. But i also know that had the situation been in reverse.. i would have given the person a chance to explain and i wouldn't throw away a year's worth of friendship on a stupid STUPID mistake. But i guess that just goes back to me and my idea of forgiveness, friendship, and loyalty. As i seem to keep hearing a LOT lately.. "you're just not like most people."

Happy New Year.

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