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It's none of your business unless I'm fucking you. Feeling: confused and irritated I apologize for the mindless entries recently. Today though, let's break out of the funk we've been in, shall we? Lately I feel like i just don't know what to say; to my family, to friends. Even in this diary, the place that has grown into my outlet. My safe haven. That's been a little hard for me. Because while I like not having drama in my life, I feel like writing helps me release "stuff". Not having anything to write about puts a damper on that. Of course I could write about relationship-related thoughts i've had. Which oddly enough, have consumed much of my thoughts recently. But i'm just tired of going on and on about my ex or about ethe (the only two men "in my life" in the past 6 months). I'm at the point too, where, i hate talking about Ethan in here. 1. i want to move on and 2. I'd rather not give him the satisfaction. He's not worth the entries anymore. That sounded awfully bitchy, didn't it? blahh.
You know how there's a grieving process? How with every relationship or interaction that has come to an end, you usually go through this "grieving process"? And how there are stages?
Admittedly, the last time we parted ways i was left to deal with a crushed heart. That actually pisses me off now. Mostly because i trusted him. Trust that he begged me for. And even after everything, i gave it to him. What did he do? Well, he didn't just break it, he stomped all over it. Then spit on it. I find it very maddening that every time i start to try to move on, he pops back into my life somehow. I'll try to find a way to forgive and just be friends with him but then he'll encourage me to let down my guard. And i will. Only to have him walk away leaving me to feel alone and like a complete ass for having betrayed my instincts.
If i don't want to talk about it anymore, why am I doing so now? Well, because something's come up. Something I don't get.
Yeah that's right, i know you read this. You figured that I didn't know. You figured that since the last time i told you i knew you were coming here and reading you'd get a little smart and hide your IP. Smart. But not smart enough, punk. I saw your address show up in my stats this morning. I REALLY DON'T THINK I know anyone else at MIT. And before you try to brush me off as paranoid it would interest you to know that i can also tell HOW you get to my site (ex. Google, a bookmark, etc.). Sorry, but as much as I don't know anyone else at MIT, I also don't know anyone from Cambridge that knows the address of this diary Maybe i shouldn't be so annoyed by this. A little part of me wants to feel "something" that he wants to read what's going on in my life. But then my head takes over and just gets pissed. You don't get to lie to me, walk away, shut off all contact with me (even as a friend) and still get to know what goes on in my life. Why the hell would you want to, anyway? This is what i don't get. You know what's funny though? I wasn't sure what to make of it when i saw that IP show up. I know i was surprised, and a little irritated. But i didn't know what to say. Or if i should even say anything. I thought maybe i was making a big deal out of nothing. Coincidentally I was reading one of my favorite blogs today when I came across a reference to a quote from "Queer as Folk" that just seemed fitting.
That quote was basically the deciding factor in writing this entry. Gosh I love quotes. I have a whole card file that i keep with quotes typed up on 3x5 index cards (cuz i'm anal that way), sorted by category. Pick an occasion, i'm sure i've got a quote for you. This quote though, is pure genius i tell you. Don't get me wrong, I'm seriously considering getting this shirt. But the beauty about this quote is that it can be applied to any situation.
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