Such is Life
Sun. 05.02.04 - 12:40 p.m.

Feeling: ehh after writing this entry...
Listening: My Immortal - Evanescence
Quote: No man learneth but by pain or shame. -Dutch Proverb

Last night I came home to find the following message on my screen from my kid sister:

littlesis: HEY U WORK AT O|D N@VY!!!!!! WHY DIDN'T U TELL ME!!!!! U COULD BE GETTING ME SOME FREE CLOTHES!!!!!!!
littlesis: =D

the brat.

Eh, i'm not really in the mood to write about M0rgan Hi|| but i guess i should. I actually had a nice time.. up until the last day. I mean, it was still nice but K was tired and sore (she still can barely turn her head) and therefore cranky. Not to mention the fact that she was having to deal with the window guys replacing all her windows (and doing a piss-poor job of it).

So here's the thing. While i was there i text messaged Y to say hello. He ended up calling me and asked me what time i was leaving.. i told him in the morning at 5 am. He said that he would take me, he didnt want me to take the train that early. To be honest, i say yes because I wanted to see him. But not the way it sounds. I've been thinking about this and I realize that in a way, i still equate home/familiarity/safety to him. He was all of those things for me for a very long time. Being in San Jose/M. Hi|| and not seeing him was weird.. ever since my move.. there hasn't been a single time where i was in SJ and didn't see him. I guess i felt "off" and that's why i wasn't so hesitant on letting him take me home.

Big mistake.

HUGE mistake.

Not only did i end up getting confused and upset - he said some things that made me think that he wants more than friendship with me (i'm not in the mood to get into it and probably never will). Ehh, I dunno. Anyway, the worst of it was K�s reaction to it all.

I talked to her last night. I felt a little bad about leaving with him and not just letting her take me to the train station (in my defense- she�s not supposed to drive and I didn�t want her taking me or having to get up so early, either).

Her response?

Well I just hope it wasn�t a booty call.

WTF?!

Despite me managing a quick �Oh my god NO IT WASN�T!� I was pretty speechless.

And embarrassed.

She then went on to say that her BF (who was there that night) made the comment, and I quote �she probably just wanted to get laid.�

Hey guess what? FUCK YOU.

I DIDN�T SLEEP WITH HIM AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO JUDGE ME.

God. That�s all I ask of people. That�s my thing. Don�t look at me, don�t scrutinize, don�t judge me. Just don�t do it. I don�t want to be talked about or even THOUGHT about for that matter.

I don�t talk about people.. DON�T DISCUSS ME.

What kills me is I know how big of a gossip K is. How the hell am I supposed to show my face around everyone again?

I guess I won�t. Screw it.

So yeah. It ended crappy I guess.. too bad, because I really like her when she�s not too busy to be my friend and I genuinely had a great time up until Thursday.

I promised pictures and I don�t know what I did with them all. I DID find one on a disk I was using last night so um� here�s the train.

I'll pause to let a moment of laughter in (yes, that IS my foot).

Work was crappy yesterday. I had one of those moments where I was so completely overwhelmed I wanted to walk away. Then I started thinking about how I�m alone here. How I have no one to �get away� with after I've had a bad day. Even just a friend! I�m not talking about a relationship. I just need friends here in the city. Once I headed down that path, it was inevitable that I�d end up at �what the hell am I doing here anyway?�

If I�m miserable, alone, and unhappy.. why am I here. Why am I sticking to a city where I�m all alone when I want to have people around? I don�t think I want to probe for an answer to that question.

BUT I DO KNOW, after the workday passed, that I realize I WANTED to be here. Admittedly, I DO like it. I love it. I'll make friends eventually.. which is funny to me though, because I�m not really making an effort to meet people. I want quality people in my life and that�s hard to find.. it takes time.

I don�t know where I�m going with this.

So in conclusion.. I�m trying to break myself from holding onto Y, as much as my intentions are friendshippy.. it�s not working. Maybe it�s too soon to try to be friends, I don�t know. I DO know that it�ll take a while.. I don�t want to just completely cut him out of my life RIGHTTHISMINUTE. I care about him. I want him to be happy. I want to know how he�s doing. Back to things I don�t know- I don�t know how that will play out. Everything will work out though. They always do, right.

I MIGHT have lost a friend and I�m feeling really stupid, embarrassed and moronic over the whole thing. I actually REALLY don�t want to talk or think about it but I might try to call her today or something. Grrr that�s going to suck.

Oh well. Like mom says.. �Such is life.�

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