Back to the Daily (low fat) Grind.
Wed. 04.06.05 - 9:23 a.m.

Feeling: preoccupied
Listening: some country shiz here at work. big surprise.
Quote: Enough w/ this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want--an adorable pancreas?

Now that i've had some sleep, i'm feeling LOADS better than i did last night. A lot of the credit though, is due to Monkey. After I got off the phone with J last night, i walked down the hall and stood in M's doorway.

"hey, can i ask you something? Do you think i'm fat? honestly?"

"no. not really. i mean, if you really want to, i guess you could lose maybe 10, but you're fine though. and you might not even have to lose 10 lbs so much as turn that into muscle; tone up."

"but i don't want to lose just 10. I want to lose 30."

his response? "holy shit!"

the way he looked so incredulously at me.. somehow calmed my fears and made me feel ten million times better. Though i'll admit, it didn't stop me from pressing forward.

"but jerry called me thick. he said he likes thick girls!"

"umm.. yeah?"

"thick!"

"umm.. thick's not bad. your definition is off. thick is good. i'd rather have a thick girl than a skinny chick."

he ended up saying that i need to quit worrying and stressing and just BE HAPPY with the way things are going. eh, i hate it when he's right.

I'm back at work today. THings are ok here.. i mean, when i'm here the job is fine. i certainly am not one of those people that hates their job, but a lot of the innocence about it is gone. After being sick and seeing how i was treated for it, as much as i've forgiven, i can't forget. I NEED to go back to school this fall. Buddha and Monkey would be irritated and i hate letting people down. I DO care about letting MYSELF down, but it's so much harder for me to face letting others down. Sooo.. i need to start actively looking. le sigh.

I work out with Steve today. I think this might be my last week with him, actually. I feel like there's still SO much i don't know. I wish i had more sessions left with him. I signed up for the few because i wanted to just get the basics down and now i feel like i need more. J offered to help me but he doesn't even LIVE here, so it would be hard i think. It's easier having someone there every day. Maybe this is the part where i need to quit trying to take the easy way out, get disciplined, take charge, and handle this on my own. You know, like the adult i'm supposed to be.

(a side note: Jesus H! I can't believe i'm going to be 25 in just a few months. Where the hell did the time go?)

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