all in vain
04.05.05 - 10:14 p.m. Feeling: blah
Listening:
Quote:
call me self-conscious. call me conceited or superficial. say whatever you want, but the fact of the matter is that yeah, i care about the way i look. not in the valley girl/paris hilton way, but in the 'i seriously need to fix that' way. maybe a lot of it has to do with the way i grew up; always so aware of how i looked different than everyone else. the shitty thing is, i never really had a problem with my weight growing up. i know in high school i thought i was fat- as every high school girl thinks.. but i look back on pictures and i see now that i really wasn't. then college.. was a little skinnier in college than i was in high school- a few of my friends started teasing me 'anorexic'. what's so funny is, i ate more then than i ever did before. then my grandma passed away, i moved here, and it all just sort of changed. the thyroid problem doesn't help much either. i'll completely admit that i eat unhealthy things at times, but i also really feel that the weight gain that happened, for the most part anyway, was out of my control.
I was talking to J earlier about how i want to get back into my old shape by July. This means losing about 30 lbs. He has no idea what i weigh so when we were talking about what's "normal" for my height, he said roughly approximately 115 lbs. And i just.. wanted to cry. me losing 30lbs won't bring me to 115lbs. not even losing 40. He's always been really good about saying nice things about the way i look.. and i'll admit for a while he had me starting to feel secure around him. but after this whole talk? i want to just never eat again. it's not even his fault, he didn't do anything wrong. it's one of those things where he's a guy and he just really has no idea how girls are affected by things like this. as well as the fact that i'm just an idiot on this subject. he could tell something was bothering me but when he tried asking me what was wrong, i just didn't have the guts to tell him. those words are too painful. you know, the ones where you have to admit to yourself what everyone's secretly thought about you- "she's fat." he tried to make me feel good by saying 'if you want to lose weight, that's fine but i think you're fine the way you are. besides, i like thick girls." OH MY GOD. i KNOW he was trying to help but i think in that moment i just wanted to die. it just confirmed everything i thought of how people see me. i guess i had the naive view that because i'd struggled to lose 60 lbs in the last year that i was actually starting to look pretty good. not that i think i'm great or anything, but anyone who's ever lost that kind of weight could probably relate- you automatically feel better about yourself. with that, i apparently gained this naivete that other people would think the same. OF COURSE NOT. they haven't a clue how i looked or felt before. they don't know. to them i'm just a girl who needs to lose 30+ lbs.
i needed to end that phone call so badly. all i wanted to do was just cry and not think about how horribly i felt and how i now needed to plan to lose a hell of a lot more than i originally had thought. you know, when i decided i wanted to lose those 30lbs, it was just to get me back to the weight i was when i first moved here to cali. even then, i felt i was pushing it; that THAT weight might be a little too thin for me. but now with the 115lbs "average"? that's NOT CLOSE to what i thought i wanted to weigh. why don't we just tack on another 20 lbs onto that weight loss plan! blah. i made some excuse about wanting to clean my room. i mean, it's true.. i just wanted to get away and not think about anyone's ideas or thoughts or perceptions of me. so i did. and i just found myself crying.
i feel like a jerk for crying over something SO superficial.. but i just can't help it. the thing is, i'm not asking to look like a toothpick. Y ended up messaging me in the midst of it and he was suprisingly supportive:
Y:hmm
hamak0san: hey
hamak0san: can i ask you a question
Y:we should probably clean up and rebuild your computer
Y:you may
hamak0san: yeah, i have viruses and my antivirus ran out
hamak0san: anyway
hamak0san: please be honest with me ok?
hamak0san: question..
hamak0san: when i first moved here..
Y:no, you're not fat.
hamak0san: did .. how'd you know i was going to ask that?
Y:lol
hamak0san: =(
hamak0san: like i said.. did you think i was fat
hamak0san: and do you think i'm fat now
Y:well...
Y:i didn't think you were fat, but you weren't petite.
Y:i think you were fine for your height.
Y:and i think you're fine now.
hamak0san: but i'm 40lbs heavier now than i was then
hamak0san: when i first moved here
Y:but you are so happy with yourself, aren't you?
hamak0san: i'm happy.. but not entirely happy with my body. i want to lose that 40lbs
Y:are does it matter more what some stranger is thinking about you
hamak0san: i'm not talking about a stranger, i'm talking about ME. how *I* look. how other people see me, too.
hamak0san: so tired of people thinking i'm fat or whatever
Y:ok, then lose that 40 pounds. you lost like how many already... 60?
hamak0san: when stupid me is acting all proud that i've already lost 60lbs .. when all everyone else still sees is fat
Y:who is this?
hamak0san: everyone
Y:i thought the glass is always half full for you?
Y:i mean who are you!?
hamak0san: don't patronize me ok
hamak0san: i'm completely serious here
Y:i think the confidence that shinned in your face nowadays is worth more than the extra 40 pounds.
hamak0san: you think so?
Y:of course!
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