love and loss
Mon. 08.29.05 - 8:19 p.m.

Feeling: scared
Listening: probably wouldn't be this way - leann rhimes
Quote:

for the last few weeks i've been having nightmares at night. just about every night. they're almost always about j.. about losing him. we're pretty certain he's leaving for iraq in february. i think i've only just recently accepted it. maybe that's the reason for the sudden rush of nightmares.

when i think about not having him in my life anymore.. i just want to break down. i'm not dependant upon him.. it's just.. he's grown to become a huge part of my life. my present and my future. if something happens to him, i'm certain i'll lose my mind.

in two days, it'll be six years that i lost my grandma. i don't know why it still hurts this bad sometimes. right now all i can do is cry, worry that she hates me, and think about how much i miss her still. how unfair this all is.

and then i pray that i don't get someone else taken away from me.

that day in february is going to be one of the hardest days of my life. i've been trying really hard not to think about it right now, but it's just not working. i saw my doctor the other day.. i figured i should, after all the symptoms i've been having. he said that my thryoid is fine, surprisingly enough. i'm suffering from depression and stress. but how am i supposed to fix it when there's not a damn thing i can do? i know the biggest cause of my stress.. being apart from J, being scared every day that some sort of harm could come to him.

I remember when we first started going out, i thought about the fact that this was his job and what that meant. It meant that he could potentially have to leave at some point. It meant that his life could be put at risk some day. I thought to myself.. do i want to do this? Do i want to get involved with someone whose job could potentially put his life at risk? Someone whom i could grow to love and lose?

How do i come to peace with the fact that i chose to stay.. and that decision could very well have caused me the greatest pain i'll ever know?

i want to draw so far inward. I try to smile, be brave, and not tell J just how goddamned scared i am. I want to be close to him, closer than we already are if you can imagine that.. but all of this only serves to make me more introverted. I don't want to talk, i don't want him to know i cry about it.. i sometimes avoid him because of it. All i can think about is this isn't how it's supposed to be. i'm supposed to have the rest of my life with him. There's just five more months, five more months.. over and over in my head. make the most of it they say.

I don't want to be strong. i don't want to be tested this way.

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