the farewell
Sun. 02.05.06 - 11:29 p.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

he's gone.

He left C@mp Pend|et0n early Thursday morning.. or maybe it was Wednesday. I seem to have lost track of my days lately. He had to stay up the whole night in a freezing parking lot, waiting around, making sure everything was packed and tidied up for them to leave. I couldn't be with him during formation so he left me in the car around midnight and i guess i passed out.. he came and got me around 6am. I stayed by his side until they were loaded up on buses around 10am. You know, i didn't even cry. I tried so hard not to cry.. the funny thing is, it wasn't that hard. I keep thinking everyone must have thought i was uncaring but i just couldn't cry. I think it was the only way i could deal with it.. by telling myself it wasn't a big enough deal to cry. He's coming home soon.. it's just a year. It's a vacation, he just has some paperwork to do and he'll be right back. Then we get to move in together and decorate a cute new apartment. Those are the kinds of things i tricked myself into believing. I did a really good job of it, too.. no crying. Even he said he choked up while he sat on the bus waiting to leave. I talked to him friday night.. he said that he'd already opened up the little album i gave him filled with pictures of him and i. Said that seeing me standing there alone in the parking lot while he sat on that bus just made him want to cry. He said that he wanted to jump off and run to me.

If only he knew how much i wish he would have. No matter how strong i acted.. the thing is, i suck at this. I've always been a horrible liar. It's amazing that i was able to even fool myself for as long as i did. That lasted what? 2 days? Now, i'm an emotional mess. I don't know how i'm going to get through this. I'm scared out of my mind for him. The separation i can deal with, really. It sucks beyond belief.. but i can bear it. It's the fact that i can't protect him, i can't know where he is, if he's alright. I can't save him. I can't talk to him whenever i want. I just feel my heart breaking with every hour that passes that i don't get to hear from him.

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