not so invincible
Tues. 04.20.04 - 10:20 p.m.

Feeling: like getting on the next plane out to hawaii
Listening:
Quote:

ehh the previous entry was a little...

sorry.

i was on the phone with my mom and i needed to... vent and i certainly couldn't have her hear me scream or cry.

You know she was actually YELLING at me over the phone? YELLING at me that i need to take her seriously. that the doctor told her that it's very likely she'll be gone in 10 years if some drastic changes aren't made. That she has what my grandma had.. and.. yeah i'm not going to finish this sentence.

I started kidding with her "dude, i'm never gonna give up rice." Leave it to me to make lame ass half-hearted jokes in a serious and awkward situation. In an effort to deter from JUST HOW FUCKING SERIOUS THIS IS. That's when the yelling started. She got so angry. She was yelling at me to take her seriously. That she wasn't joking. And i could actually hear the fear in her voice. Not even fear for her.. fear for me. for us - my siblings and me. That kind of fear. Mom fear. It's one of the few times i've ever heard that from her. Fear.

My mom? She's STRONG. I mean, ALL the women in my family are strong. independent. stubborn. And my mom's no different. In fact, i probably never acknowledged this before, but i think she may be even stronger than my grandma was. Rarely have I ever seen my mother cry. Rarely has she ever shown weakness. Sadness. I've secretly admired that all these years.. and hated it at the same time. Funny though, that the reason i hated it was because i wanted to feel like she cared. she had emotions. she could FEEL the way I felt. she wasn't closed off. that she was human.

and now.. now i'd give anything to make her un-human. fucking invincible.

i know what being a grown up feels like now. Being grown up means having to face the fact that your parents aren't invincible. She's not as "strong" as she tries to show.

Here's this STRONG woman. She can fish better than my stepdad. She can fix a flat and change her own oil (something i've LONG forgotten how to do). she's currently trying to start a business using her sewing skills. She's raising TWO teenagers while in her mid-forties... and that's not even the half of it. She has put up with SO much ever since i could remember.

All of those hard times with my dad, she survived.

Everything she had to go through with Ash, she survived.

When I was 18 and too immature to know what i wanted so I flew off to Oregon for school even though i had NO clue what i was getting myself into.. she never said "i told you so." No, she just welcome me home and took care of all my paperwork to make sure i met the deadline for the fall college semester.

After my grandma passed away, she held it together.

God i could go on naming things.

I can't go through this again. i can't lose someone else this way.

YOu know what? I've actually always thought that she'd outlive me anyway. not because she's my mommy and i think mommies don't die. No, because i know i can't take it. losing someone else. scratch that. not SOMEONE ELSE. MY MOM. my MOM, you know. this is my mom we're talking about. fuck, she's my mom and it's not fair! I already lost one and akwrjktljarwkljtklrwj

i can't deal with this right now. fuck i need air.

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