Divine Intervention
Fri. 04.02.04 - 12:27 p.m.

Feeling: headache
Listening: computer's humming and dogs barking outside
Quote:

I just finished reading an entry from CornNugget. In it, she talks about what she perceives to be the difference between God's will and everyday human decisions. I found her entry to be straight-on (in regards to how i feel). Not to mention hilarious, but that's a given when it comes to Miss Holly. The thing is, i'm similar to her in that although i grew up Catholic and my dad's side of the family was Extremely faithful, i never really went to church every Sunday. I only remember praying before our meal at holidays or big family get-togethers. My dad had to literally DRAG me to church every Easter (that was the one time a year we ever went with him). Despite all this, i do believe in God. I don't feel like i have to go to church every Sunday to prove something. I admit i have a lot of issues and unanswered questions on the matter, but who doesn't, i suppose. My point is, to a certain extent, i believe.

Back to her entry. Something struck me and got me to thinking. Here's an excerpt:

I don't believe in blind faith. Simply telling yourself that God will handle it totally negates the saying: God helps those who help themselves. I have always wondered why the blindly faithful would say something like that and then sit back and expect God to handle everything. God probably looks at us with disdain for expecting him to save our asses every time we get into a bind. Take some responsibility for yourselves. Don't believe that because a 600 pound man has a heart attack and dies, that it was pre-destined. God didn't make you eat yourself to 600 pounds buddy. (This is the point where my Mother would say "No, the Devil did!" but that's a whole other fucking story...besides, if the Devil truly does exist, he tempts us with those things...he doesn't make the ultimate decision for us to consume them). Miracles are God's job. Most deaths are OUR job and result from our abuse of our own bodies and our stupid choices. Life (or death rather) isn't destiny, it's decision.

My grandmother died of a heart attack in the middle of the night. Obviously, it was unexpected. While i agree with Holly in that a condition like that can only come from poor lifestyle decisions, i also believe that there WAS divine intervention. In that, she should have been gone a lot sooner.

I think that she was allowed time to sort of get her affairs in order. Of course no one can ever be prepared for the death of a loved one. But she did things before her death that she wouldn't have done otherwise. She said things that i look back on now and go, damnit i KNEW! She hadn't been feeling well for years.. a decline that started about 7 years before she passed away. When i look back on all of the physical & emotional stress and heartache she was subjected to, i'm left to wonder how she was around for as long as she was.

I'm choosing to believe it is because she was getting things in order and slowly but unknowingly (on our parts) getting us ready for it.

Maybe that's my way of dealing with it, who knows. Another thing i agreed with Holly's entry was that we tend to say "it was her time" in an effort to console ourselves. The thing is, even though i know it, i still say it. Because i don't think i'd want to have to face the fact of knowing.. "She chose that. She knowingly made that decision." I think it would hurt too much.

Did i just contradict myself?

fuck.

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