hidden meanings
Wed. 04.21.04 - 4:35 p.m.

Feeling: -
Listening: the reason - hoobastank
Quote: -

words. it's amazing the power that words hold.

with one word you can make a person feel inadequate.

with one word you can make a person lose all hope.

with one word you can make a person feel like simply giving up. turning their back on everything. walking away from it all.

want to know something about me? when i've been REALLY hurt, embarassed or sad.. i get really quiet and just smile. then look for the nearest exit.

it's important for no one to see just how you feel. i hate it that i wear my heart on my sleeve. for the whole world to see. to analyze. to know me. i hate it that everyone knows me. of course there are some that know me much better than others. but for the most part.. i think i'm easy to figure out.

i've always hated that about myself.

The bright side is that i'm contradictory. everything i am.. there's always a flip side.

someone asked me this recently:
why are you shy sometimes and extroverted others?

It caught me off guard at first but then i realized that's not the first time someone has made that observation about me.

They say Geminis are that way. They're twins. two people. While i'm not incredibly into astrology, i do find it interesting. Why am I shy and loud? I think the way i grew up has a lot to do with it. All of my experiences have shaped me into who i am. while choosing what i'm shy about is never calculated, it's simply an unconscious decision for me, i think in some ways it's because i hate the fact that people are able to figure me out with not much difficulty.

I've always believed that it's better that no one have that information. Maybe i unknowingly but intentionally throw a wrench in the mix just to keep them guessing. That way i don't feel so vulnerable.

When i'm hurt or feel like i care more for someone than they care for me (and for whatever reason i feel threatened by that), i end up trying to do something to get them to think that i don't care. in an effort to feel safe. if they think i don't care.. they can't hurt me. or at least KNOW that they can hurt me. it makes me feel like i'm not powerless. People knowing that you care too much? NOT GOOD. They have an unfair advantage. Because once my feelings are involved... it always only goes downhill from there.

I wish my heart i were harder to get to. Maybe that would prevent me from getting hurt so easily.

So while i'm naturally an outgoing/smiley person.. watch out for those other smiles. The ones that precede a lot of silence. Because that means i'm trying to hold something in. usually tears.

I was talking to Pohae earlier about my mom. She told me, "good job on the humor there too. humor shows courage - don't ever forget that. to look something you fear in the eye and laugh makes you strong."

My friends are amazing. The few that I really trust and feel close to, it seemed like they came running as soon as they heard about my mom.

It's comforting.. yet disconcerting in a way.

My way of dealing with this is to not think about it. To pretend it's no big deal. Forget that she even told me. But having my friends huddle around me this way, i can't pretend.

If everyone's so concerned with how i am.. it just goes to show just how serious it really is.

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