Grin and Bear It
Tues. 08.10.04 - 11:26 a.m.

Feeling: awesome blossom
Listening: nut n honey
Quote:

I have to teach a class tonight that I feel completely unprepared for. ugh. sucks! I know it's all in my head (or at least i hope it is). I thought there were only a few people signed up for the class.. but when i called yesterday i found out that the class is almost full! argh. It's not even that great of a class. I made that layout like a year ago and the only reason i was teaching a class on it was because it used sewing and people are still interested in learning/using that technique on their layouts. So yes, i'm stressed.

hamak0san: just been stressed out about the class being full
hamak0san: and it's not even one of my best classes
hamak0san: so i'm surprised
Y: poc
Y: piece of cake
Y: teach 1 person or teach 30... what's the difference. don't mean you gotta speak 30 times as much
hamak0san: no but there are more eyes on me
Y: grow up

a little harsh.. but the dude had a point. dammit.

Last night we were talking (which is when he pulled out that little gem) and he revealed to me that while we were still living together back in December... he actually went through my chat logs. He mocked me on how he read the conversations i'd had with Ethe back then. I kind of just sat back in my desk chair.. and didn't know what to say. He seemed so damn smug about it too. Like he was so proud that he'd one-upped me. I got so nauseous and shaky.

I think that's the cruelest thing he's ever done to me.

Not even just invading my privacy, betraying my trust.. but to throw it in my face the way he did. I finally am at the point where I feel like I don't know him. Perhaps I never did.

I feel like I can't trust anything. I can't trust people. I can't trust MYSELF to trust people. Everything I thought was safe.. wasn't. As soon as I found out I wanted to tell Ethan.. i thought he should know cuz hell, those were his conversations too- but he wasn't around. I went to the bathroom and realized i couldn't throw up because Monkey was in his room and had his door open. I was in there for a while and when i came out, he was sitting on my bed. After a bit of prying I told him what Y had said.

"What's the big deal? I mean it sucks and it's a violation of your trust but SO WHAT? Don't let him make you feel this way. If anything, you should feel LIBERATED. You got things off of your chest that you weren't able to say before and so what if he read them. That was of his own doing. And you should stand behind by what you said. If he says anything, tell him that. Tell him 'yeah that's right, i said things about you. i said things that i was never able to say to you but i could say to someone else. That's your own damn fault because i could never talk to you.' And you know what casey? That was a really hard time. It was your outlet. You probably had no one else to talk to and it's good that Ethan was there- he probably got you through it, even. So don't look at it in a negative way."

I did talk to Ethe later and he was pretty calm about it. I dunno, maybe it hurts me more because i was the one who should have been able to trust Y. I can't believe he would have done something like this. The worse part of it all is that I can't even cut him out of my life. He brings me home from my classes.. i have NO other way. He knows it, too. So all i can do is just grin and bear it.

Anyway, I need to go finish getting ready. I have a million and one things to do in SJ.. plus i need to meet up with Moses.

oh! i'm buying my ticket for Boston tonight after work if all goes as planned!! =))))

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