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the crazies Feeling: numb and crazy Yeah, i'm alive. I went to San Diego. It was a disaster but it was one of the best things i've done, too. There's a problem though.. i realized after i got back to the Bay Area that i'm just not quite right. I haven't been myself for a while now.. and lately, well lately, it's gotten worse. Scary worse. Adam and i aren't really friends anymore.. i talked to him a little yesterday but i see our friendship non-existant in the very near future. Somehow this is affecting my mood. Everything is, actually. The loss of Ethan, Y, Adam.. the fact that John and I don't talk very often anymore.. for the first time in at least 5 years.. i don't have a best friend. I don't have someone i can talk to. Sure, i have friends and they're all so wonderful.. but it's not the same. I need an even deeper connection with people. I need to be able to count on them. I need to be able to call someone at 3am and say 'hey i can't sleep, something's bothering me.. can you listen?' I've always been that person for everyone else.. but not very often has someone been that for me. Nonetheless, SOMETHING is better than NOTHING.. and nothing is what i have right now. I went to see a doctor yesterday. Yeah, me, the girl who hates going to the doctor. She thinks my thyroid might be out of whack so she wants to get some labwork done. She also demanded that i take some time off work... and she gave me some medicine. For depression and anxiety. John laughed at me when i told him 'but i'm too smart to have something wrong with me.' He laughed, but damnit i AM too smart to be messed up. It's just that right now i can't shake this. For once, i can't get my stupid brain to turn off. It's affecting everything.. yesterday i wanted to walk out of the doors at work.. and just disappear. disappear from everyone.. leave everything. But then i realized that even if i left i'd have my thoughts and i'd be alone, and it scared me. God, i hope this medicine works because i feel SO NOT LIKE ME. The sad thing is, one of the things i keep obsessing over is the situation with Adam.. the fact that things are weird with us. I need to feel like we're friends again. But we can't be friends as long as i keep weirding him out, you know? And the thought that he'd just cut me off completely.. it's almost unbearable. When did i get so attached to this friendship? I realize that the problem lies in the fact that i'm afraid to be alone. Not alone in that i need a boyfriend or i need to have constant company.. but it's like i need to feel like if i NEED to call someone, i CAN. and that there are people out there who want to talk to me too. There's this constant knot in my stomach, the overwhelming wave of nausea, these thoughts SCREAMING in my head.. and the urge to run. run away from every one and every thing. All i want to do is cry and sleep. Cry because i want it all turned off. The thoughts, the feelings. I want them gone. Sleep.. because i'm just so damn exhausted. Sleep.. because if i'm sleeping, i don't have to think or feel. not really.
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