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because someone DOES care Feeling: numb I was laying in bed around midnight last night, fighting with myself to go to sleep, when i heard some loud noises in the game room of our house. A short while later someone knocked on my door and with concern in her voice said, "casey, open your door. come on." I got really scared at first. First of all, i was already in defensive mode from all the stupid self-piteous crying. Monkey is the only one who ever knocks on my door and being that it was a girl's voice on the opposite side of my door, all these thoughts started running through my head. Who's that girl? What's wrong? Why does she sound worried? Where's Monkey and why isn't HE knocking on my door? Did something happen to him? As soon as the last thought popped into my head, i bolted out of bed and popped open my door- to see Emily standing in front of me. "Are you ok? I was worried. I haven't heard from you and I just got this feeling tonight like I needed to come see you. I'm sorry it's midnight but I had to see that you were ok." I don't know if i burst into tears then or not. If i didn't it was only because I was all cried out. But what she did, was one of the most sweetest and thoughful things anyone has EVER done for me. She was worried about me so he convinced Moses to drive all the way across the city (i live about a 25 min drive from her, and Moses lives in San Jose- he still had to drive back to SJ after they left my house last night). My cell phone's been disconnected for about a week now. It's been frustrating to not have my phone with me when i need it. Like yesterday at the B@RT station when this guy wouldn't leave me alone. I could have called the house and have Monkey drive the 7 mins down the street to pick me up. Or when I walk home at night alone. But in a way, it's felt good too. No one can get in touch with me (unless they have my home phone number- that still works). As much as I love my friends and family.. I guess I really do tend to push people away when they get the closest and I feel threatened because of it. Lately, everything makes me feel threatened. But back to Emily. I knew that she was starting a new job and i thought about her all week, especially the fact that I needed to call her to let her know my home phone number. As sweet as Em is, and as much of a connection i've felt her and I make.. i simply thought she wouldnt care. I didnt even think she would be trying to call me. I just thought that when i was ready, i'd call her and she'd be like "ok cool, lemme write that number down. How ya been?" and that would be that. To have her come knocking on my door at midnight (Monkey let her in- i didnt hear anything) just to see if i was ok.. I dont even know what to say about that. On top of that, to have her listen to me vent about the way i was feeling last night, to simply feel like someone in this world actually CARES about you.. She laid in bed with me and listened to me while i told her everything and cried. I'll never forget that. Us just in my bed like that, me pouring out all of these words that had it not been for her, would have stayed inside me. She gave me a few words of advice. Nothing that completely broke the mood i was in, but i have to admit that it's hard to be angry at the world when you just had someone who cared about you so much drive to the other end of the city, at midnight, to see if you're alright. I let Emily out around 1am and I went back to my room. But not before Monkey asked me what was wrong first. I couldn't tell him. I've always been able to kind of talk to him when i needed an ear. I don't always pour my heart out, but we do have a friendship where i trust him and his opinion. But last night.. no, i couldn't. Not when i knew that I was the cause of my misery. When not even a month and a half ago, he stayed with me for two hours while i cried.. over the same things i cried over last night. I told him nothing was wrong. And he just said, "okay, just thought i'd ask." Translation: I can tell you're upset. I won't push, so if you need to talk, i'm here. Maybe I need to wake up and realize that i have a few really great people in my life who DO care about me.. and quit crying over the ones that don't.
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