bad aunty
Tues. 03.30.04 - 1:00 p.m.

Feeling: like i'm missing something
Listening: music from M's room
Quote:

More self-pity.

I was showing a close friend of mine the layout that i just completed for a class i'm teaching in April. She asked me who the baby was in the picture.

I said, "that's my sister ashley's baby. Zachary."

She replied, "oh, your nephew."

Why didn't I just say nephew? It got me thinking.. i ALWAYS say "my sister's baby." I almost never say "my nephew." Why do i do that? DUH! cuz i don't FEEL like an aunty. and why don't i FEEL like an aunty? BECAUSE I DON'T ACT LIKE ONE. I'm thousands of miles away from home and i've only seen him once. I missed his birth. I missed his first christmas. I missed his first words. His crawling. I'll miss his first steps. His first birthday.

I'm missing everything!

I realize it was my choice. It IS my choice.. to be here and not there, but it still sucks having to face the sometimes unfortunate effects of your decisions, no matter how great they may seem to be for you.

I had a scary thought this morning. I was reading an excerpt from a book when i came across this statement:

"You must be willing to challenge virtually every single aspect of your life, including the reality that you may be wanting and pursuing things that simply aren't right for you."

For some reason, i was really bothered after reading that. I mean, this is what i wanted, right? To live here. In this city. I mean, i LOVE it. So why am i feeling this way?

I think hearing about things back home are making me miss it. Especially at a time where i'm alone, and feeling like i could use a friend here. Don't get me wrong on this statement, because i love it here, but in a way it's not entirely how i pictured it. Mostly because of the fact that i haven't really had anything to do without a full-time job to keep me busy. I'm just left to my thoughts ALL THE TIME. That's a dangerous thing, especially for someone like myself. So i'm lonely, and then i find out that my cousin is moving to California within the next month or so. BUT NOT NORTHERN CALIFORNIA! SOUTHERN. dammit. i could have used an actual relative in the same state. Of course i could always move.. but i just moved here! and i know for SURE i'd never want to live in LA. It just doesn't seem like my kind of place. Which just reminds me of that whole thing with John. i mean, as SO minor and nothing as it is.. one still can't help but think about how things could have been different, ya know? Girl-roomie and I were talking earlier about beaches here. She was recommending a beach for me to check out. I told her that the beaches here just aren't the same as back home. Of course, the further down south you go (like Santa Cruz or even WAY way south), it gets a little better.. SF is just yucky though. I did admit to her though, as long as i was near the water, it's ENOUGH. Sure, i'd love it if there was actually a beach nearby that wasn't FREEZING and dirty.. but this is what i got when i decided SF was what i wanted.

So what am i saying? Am i backing out? UGH. God i hope not. I don't think i am. I'm pretty sure I'm not. I think there's just been a lot of stuff thrown my way lately as far as things to think about, goes. Most of all, i'm scared i suppose. The not having found a job thing is FREAKING ME OUT. I mean, it's not even really just the issue of money, i'm going insane with nothing to do.

Yeah that's it. I just need something else to do besides think. I wish my brain came with an OFF switch.

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