The Big Secret
Mon. 03.08.04 - 9:27 p.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

"A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets." - Titanic

i have secrets. we all have secrets. the thing with me though.. (and so much like everything else i do, this is going to sound weird) is that for most of my secrets, i have a very strange reason for keeping them secrets.

what i mean is.. not everything i keep a secret is really a BAD thing.. or even something that most people would keep a secret. Maybe secrets isn't even the word. Because a lot of the time, they're not even secrets, they're more like THOUGHTS. But i still guard them like secrets.

Why be so secretive?

Somewhere along the journey that is 'my so-called life' i adopted the idea that my "secrets" should only be told to REALLY important people. The fewer the better. I get upset if i tell someone a secret and well, they end up for whatever reason, to drift out of my life.

There are actually secrets that i never told Y. This is amazing because i really did have the thought for a while that he was �the one.' So of course i shared a lot of myself with him. But I can remember holding things out on him for even a year after we were together (3 years having known him) just because i wanted to MAKE SURE i was certain i wasn't "wasting" my secret.

How stupid is it that it was one of the things that added to the hurt over Ethe? I shared with him a LOT of things that i had never told anyone before. Not even Y. At first i felt sorry that i had shared those things with someone who wasn�t in my life anymore. I thought he knew me better than just about anyone in my life ever had BECAUSE i had shared those things with him. Now, it just pisses me off. I�m mostly mad at myself, though. I hate it that i shared that part of myself with him because when it comes right down to it, he didn't deserve that part of me. I still care about him and love him for being there for me, but it kills me that not only did he not care about those secrets, but that I told them to someone who isn�t in my life anymore. This means, I�ll have to eventually tell the person that DOES turn out to be �the one.� But it won�t be special because he won�t be the only person to have ever heard it. Does that make sense?

Will said it best. "Your heart is like that one special place that no one but you knows about. If you took every person you met to that place... it wouldn't be all that special."

I'm getting off track. This wasn't supposed to be a rant. It's just something that i've thought about lately and wanted to get down on paper. err print.

Once again, I�ve shown that i'm all sorts of wacky.

Shh! Don't tell anyone.

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