Where's The Love? Right Here, Baby!
Wed. 03.03.04 - 11:24 a.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

I feel loved today. hehe. it's not even noon and i've already heard from three people.

First, i was WOKEN UP YET AGAIN (hehe) at 9am by a phone call from my mom. I've said this before, and i'll say it again.. my mother NEVER calls me- unless something is wrong. As soon as I heard her voice, i panicked. When will I get over this fear i have of phone calls from home? I mean, I KNOW how it started but that doesn't give me a solution as to how to make that fear go away. I'd say 'in time' but it's been over 4 years now and it's still there.

That brings up another point, though. I've noticed that i've been using the term "4 years ago" a lot lately. As if, everything in my life can be measured by this. As if, nothing has really happened to me within the past four years.. only before that. How sad is that? That i feel, in a way, that i lost 4 years of my life. That I have nothing to show for that time. That's a little depressing. and scary.

But maybe I should focus on how i'm starting a new chapter in my life. A chapter where.. everything seems to be happening all at once. If i think about it though, my life has ALWAYS been that way. It happens with the little things, and even the big events.

When I was around the age of 12-13 (can't remember), my family moved to another island away from the town i'd lived my entire life, away from everyone i'd ever known and loved. i got my period for the first time. i also developed arthritis. All of that happened within a 3-month time period.

When I was 17, I graduated from high school, turned 18 (a HUGE deal to me at the time for different reasons than most), and i moved to Oregon. All in the same month.

When I was 19, my grandma passed away, i left college, met Y and moved to California.

Now.. I'm 23. I broke up with my bf of 4 years. I didn't only move out of the only home i've known other than hawaii, but i've moved to ANOTHER CITY, MY DREAM CITY (for now). A place where i know absolutely no one, don't know where anything is, still have yet to even figure out where the hell the bus stop is. On top of that, i left my job. While i have enough $ to tie me over for a little, i have no "real" source of income and you know what? i'm scared as hell but happy too.

I had this conversation with Karen (one of the people that called me) this morning. She started off by saying "i'm so proud of you!" and i told her how everyone keeps saying that but i'm not going to be able to relax or accept that compliment until i have a sufficient source of income. WHEN THAT HAPPENS, i'll be able to breathe again. I'll feel like yes, ok, i DID do it. I AM doing it. I CAN do it. But until that happens, no, there's nothing to be proud of.

With that in mind, it never hurts to hear someone tell you 'you're doing what i could only WISH to do. you're doing what most people only dream about doing. look at all the changes you've made. you rearranged your whole life within a span of a few months. it's just amazing. i would't have the courage to do that. but you did it. you're doing it. and i'm so proud of you.'

yeah. thinks like that. you can't help but smile over.

Anyhow, i'm getting COMPLETELY off track.

What was i saying? oh yeah, feeling loved. hehe

Turns out, my mom was just calling me to let me know that my sister wanted me to call her (she has no long distance or a calling card). So i called Ash and chatted with her for a bit. The whole time i could hear Zachary in the background. Ugh, my heart melts when i hear him. I think he's just so INCREDIBLE and i'm so jealous of her for having him in her life. heh.. she lectured me again on how she's had to rock him to sleep every night since i left Hawaii. Apparently i spoiled him so much while i was there, he refuses to go to sleep any other way. what a little darling, huh? heh. She also said that he's been crawling all over the place, getting into things (he was chewing on a book i sent while we were on the phone). HE HAS TWO TEETH! =( i didn't even know he had ONE tooth. yeah.. i think i might try to go home before the year is up (that's another entry for another time). Anyhow, so we had a long talk, it was nice.

As i was hanging up with her, Karen called. Now, i've always considered Karen a pretty good friend. I met her through my old job and she's one of those people that you just can't help but be HAPPY when you're around them. She's just so happy and full of life and energy and i just love it! The thing with Karen though, she's unreliable. She never returns phone calls, you don't hear from her for months, anytime you try to plan a get-together, she flakes. So yes, i haven't seen her since last Sept (before i left for hawaii). I've tried calling her a few times since i got back, but she doesn't answer her phone or return calls, like i said. All of our other mutual friends have given up on her. But me, well, we all know about me. I'm not one to give up on people. A few weeks ago, i called her to let her know i was moving and what my new phone number was. Surprisingly, she answered the phone. We talked for a bit and made plans to go out the next weekend. Sure enough, next weekend rolls around and i don't hear from her. I told myself 'you know what? you tried. you can't MAKE people be responsible or your friend. she knows how to get in touch with you. you can still be her friend, but don't rely on her or wait around for her to call you.' I figured i'd never hear from her again so imagine my surprise when i got that phone call from her this morning. Apparently, she had emergency surgery in Feb. because she fractured three disks. This all happened while she was on a trip in anohter state.. so she only just got home 2 days ago. She's doing ok, just having a hard time getting around. She'll be fine though, and i'm glad she decided to call. She just wanted me to know what happened, that she was ok and that she wasn't ignoring the world.

Lastly, today is Girl's Day. Every year on girl's day, i get a card from my aunty. This year, i actually had the thought 'wow, i probably won't get a card this year because i never gave anyone my new address yet (i have the cards, i just haven't had time to go to the post office [nor do i know where one is] to mail them). Imagine my surprise when i finally get out of bed, and eventually check my email.. there's an e-card from my aunty wishing me a Happy Girl's Day!

yeah.. i feel loved.

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