Crushy
Tues. 03.02.04 - 10:47 a.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

I called John last night to chat a little.. I like talking to him before i go to bed. It's a nice end to the day.

Anyway, while we were on the phone, somehow the topic of "i would date you" came up again. i admitted to him that i thought he wasn't serious.. it was more like a casual comment and he said that no, he really had been serious. I guess what i meant was "you're not serious in that if i flew down there to visit you right now, and you decided you liked me in person too, you'd be willing to date someone far away" because i know he wouldn't. but whatever. so i told him he moved to the wrong city. he seemed a little 'happy' or whatever to hear that.. but maybe it's because a second before that i had gone into a odd rambling mumbling state where i said 'that sucks' and he thought i meant the fact that he would date me.

argh. no you fool! i like you and you can't possibly like me the way i like you PLUS you live far away! blah.

hehe.. THIS MORNING.. guess who woke me up at 9am? yupyup. that's the first time that ever happened and you know, it was such a LITTLE thing (and i hate it that i wish it were more than that) but it really put a smile on my face. I like talking to him. I like hearing his voice. he has a nice voice, btw.

blahh but i can't believe i'm doing this again! argh. and with another person from online! god i'm SUCH a freakin loser. anyway. so yes, he had just finished voting and was on his way back to work.. and he called me to harass me about creating his website. heh. you know what though? it's times like THAT that make me realize how much of a KID i am. I mean, he's an ADULT dammit. He votes (i've NEVER, how bad is that). He gives blood. And while i do that too.. ITS NOT WILLINGLY! ugh. i've always WANTED to do things like that (as everyone SHOULD).. but i'm miss dreamer procrastinator. so yes, he's an adult. i'm a kid. and i have a damn crush on him.

I'm crushy.

blah i hate that i am.. but it's so easy to like him! He's such a... GREAT GUY. ugh.

He's just so funny and smart and sweet and.. if i had to admit, everything i've ever really wanted in a man.. with the exception of one thing.

Well, there's one thing and one problem.

The problem being.. he doesn't live in the same city! WHich for me, that's cool.. i actually LIKE that for the time being because then i get to focus on me and i get all this freedom, as well as the perks of surprise visits and such. =P so what's the problem with that? well he already made it clear before that didn't view anyone far away romantically. and... that brings me to the "thing."

He's independent. That's a good thing. As much as i'd like to say i'm independent too, i'm not. I'd LOVE to be. I WISH i were. But i'm not. I'm not CLINGY, but i do like being showered with affection and phonecalls a few times a day or emails and all of that... that to him, i think, is suffocating. So it would never work. Because i would have the same relationship i had with Y.. one where i completely ADORE the person.. and perhaps they love me too.. but i still need "more."

See, with him, he's the kind of guy that girls would be LUCKY to find. And at times i think it's pretty amazing that he's not taken.. but then i realize it's because he doesn't WANT to be taken. i mean, sure he says he can "see myself married" but when it comes right down to it, he's.. independent.

me... well, i'm not. not really. i'd LOVE to have a partner that was my friend and that loved to hang out with me. Not ALL THE TIME, but i think i'd still want it more than he would. which sucks.. because i think.. i think aside from those two "issues" he and i.. we have a lot in common. enough to where "something" mighta woulda coulda HAD a chance of happening.

ugh.

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