Just Learn From It
Sun. 02.01.04 - 11:14 a.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

ethe: i don't think i ever understood you when you said that you ran away from things, because all i could associate with that was you leaving hawaii...and that always seemed to me like something positive, like you were looking for something more...but now i'm starting to realize that you run away metaphorically... you like to say 'it will be better next week, next month, next year'... but the truth of the matter is that when something stinks right this second, you don't like dealing with it, you run away from it by making excuses and justifying things that shouldn't be justified
hamakosan: blah
hamakosan: who said you could figure me out, huh
ethe: it took effort
hamakosan: i don't know how to respond to that ethan
hamakosan: mostly because yeah, you're right..
hamakosan: i wish i knew why i do that.. so i could change it
ethe: because you're scared
hamakosan: blah
ethe: because if you had to be honest with things, say that your ex is an ass, say that this person mistreated you, that person needs to change the way he/she acts towards you...then it hurts more than having you blame things on yourself
hamakosan: look, i grew up with a mother who felt no shame in telling me i was a bitch or that i screwed every fucking thing up. so yeah, i;m familiar with recognizing my weaknesses
hamakosan: and yes, it hurts to know that i can't count on people.. so i'd rather not think abotu how they hurt me
hamakosan: or how they didn't meet my expectations
hamakosan: blahhh i don't know what to say
ethe: but you recognize TOO MANY weaknesses
ethe: even those that don't exist
hamakosan: that's not true
hamakosan: i recognize what's there
hamakosan: and i don't want to be mean ethan.. who am i to judge. my mom did that to everyone.. and i swore i wouldn't be mean or judgemental. that i would forgive, not hold grudges, etc
ethe: whats wrong with being judgemental
hamakosan: because it's not my place
ethe: its everyone else's place, but not yours
ethe: it's okay for your ex to say you're making mistakes
hamakosan: no.. it's not ok..
ethe: i figure your friend needs to tell you the truth, what he sees when he looks at you, otherwise what's he good for right
hamakosan: right
hamakosan: so what you thinkin
ethe: just taking a deep breath
hamakosan: why
ethe: i don't know, i'm upset for some reason
hamakosan: with me?
ethe: not with you, about you
hamakosan: ..?
ethe: it might be your life, and it might not be any of my business either, but i hate how you hurt yourself and how you continue to run from yourself
hamakosan: i'll fix it, really i will.. i just have to get through this apartment search thing ethan
hamakosan: that was the whole point of all this,... i knew i needed to make changes
ethe: good
hamakosan: and i will..
hamakosan: ok?
ethe: yeah
hamakosan: still upset?
ethe: eh, i'm fine, i'll stop being upset when you're okay
ethe: and don't say you're okay right now
hamakosan: ethe i'm FINE i swear..
hamakosan: blahhh
ethe: you know you're not, you haven't been ever since i've known you
hamakosan: no i'm FINE! yeah i have bad days.. but its just cuz the whole still living wiht the ex thing
hamakosan: i mean.. actualy was talkign aout this with a friend today.. he pointed out how i'm happier whenever i haven't been home all day.. this place has too many memories. it's like there's this invisible cloud over everything.. as soon as iow alk in the door i feel it
ethe: yeah, i understand
hamakosan: i really am a happy person..
ethe: i know
hamakosan: i seem crazy, huh
ethe: nope, i just think your ex boyfriend damaged you, a lot
hamakosan: yeah well.. i'm sure i hurt him too but yeah.. i did get hurt
ethe: more than that
hamakosan: there were things said.. that you can't forget
ethe: it's more than what he said
hamakosan: what do yo mean
ethe: i don't know everything about your relationship obviously, but here's what i do know
hamakosan: ok..
hamakosan: hehe you're typing a LOT
ethe: your mom treated you like shit, your dad wasn't exactly always there...you come into your first real relationship and you're looking for what you had with your grandma, a loving partnership....you never had that with him... i'm not saying he didn't love you or you didn't love him, it just was never a partnership...even look at the way you lost your virginity to him, the way he gently forced you... that's not a loving partnership... you lost your grandma, he helped you out...and while i think he had good interests at heart, he knew he had you there...and instead of 'being there for you' in a way that would supplement what you lost with her, he slowly became a huge asshole towards you...you needed someone, and he took your attachment to him and twisted into your responsibility to him
ethe: he damaged you because he took someone who was vulnerable and in pain, won your trust, and then used you from then on
ethe: which is the same thing that happened when he had sex with you...took someone who was vulnerable, and used you because he's selfish
hamakosan: ok... i can see the first part.. but how do you see that he used me? i don't see it
hamakosan: no but i started it ethan. you can't blame him for that
hamakosan: i was willing and repsonbisble for my actions.. he can't be blamed for that
ethe: he used you to give him what he needed, while completely ignoring what you really needed
hamakosan: ok yeah i guess maybe in that sense he did use me
ethe: i would never have slept with you that night you broke up with him and met me
hamakosan: yeah i know
ethe: even if i knew you didn't want your ex anymore, even if i knew you were interested in sleeping with me, i never would have, no matter how much i wanted it
ethe: and he did
ethe: and that's why he's an asshole
hamakosan: ok this may be a stupid quesation
hamakosan: but if i was willing, and you wanted it.. why wouldn't you
hamakosan: who's to say that would be wrong
ethe: because when you're dealing with someone like you, someone who's emotional and real and sensitive...sex means a lot...even sex with him meant a lot, not that there was a lot of feeling involved, but that it had reparcussions (sp?)... it wouldn't be 'wrong'... i just wouldn't complicate things even more than they were for you... you remember how complicated it was in the beginning, your ex in the picture, you not looking for anything else and then finding love...i wouldn't add in the sex factor
ethe: i rambled
ethe: i hope it makes sense
ethe: and after being in a relationship with you for 4 years, he should have known that
ethe: and if he didn't, that's more verification of his self-centered selfishness
hamakosan: i just want to say.. that yes, i see what you mean... like, everything you've said.. when you put it that way, i see it. but i don't want to play victim. so fine, yes i got hurt in this relationsip.. hopefully i won't repeat any of these mistakes
ethe: i hope i'm not sounding like a preacher
ethe: but yeah, that's all you can do, just learn from it

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