Weirdness
Tues. 01.20.04 - 12:17 p.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

hey so did i tell you that my ex is weirding me out? oh no? well allow me to elaborate:

so last night i was sleeping, right? and i kept tossing the whole night like i usually do, but i noticed that he wasn't really sleeping either. In fact, i heard him at his desk at one point. Some time later after i had managed to get back to sleep, i woke up when i heard him say "i can't sleep." To which he then took my hand and held it. I was too dazed/tired to really protest, so i just fell back asleep. I think he did too. hehe but then! when i woke up this morning he was a total grouch to me. like what the hell did i do now? blahh

The thing is, i don't know if i have a right to protest considering.. well, considering we went through a little period recently where we kindasorta messedaroundalittle. blahhhhh. ok i'm a dumbass and i completely regret it and nothing's happened since and NOTHING WILL, but it still makes me feel like i now have no right to complain about anything like this. Even he said it "You're the one that opened that door, so you can't complain." and you know what? he's totally right. So blahh i just have to shut up and deal i guess.

It's hard though when he always does stuff like that, usually when i'm sleeping. I've tried sleeping on the couch or whatever but seriously, after a couple days my body's sore. When i DO share a bed with him we both have our own blankets and we just stick to our own side. Well, at least i do. ugh. the other night around 2 a.m. i was wide awake, but just laying there with my back to him. I guess he sensed that i was up so he said my name. At first i was going to pretend to be asleep but i figured he obviously knew i was awake.. so i answered with a "yeah?" to which he asked me if he could put his arm around me. hehe. again, more silence. This is where my idioticness comes in to play. 1. i felt bad saying no. i didn't wanna be mean when he obviously felt like he needed to hold someone/something. 2. i didn't wanna upset him. i mean, he's not a jerk or anything but i have this thing where i'm just afraid of pissing him off. and yeah, i know i'm stupid. 3. i told myself that it was all just innocent on his part, and it wouldn't really cost me anything, so why not just let him if that's what he needed to go to sleep. So i said ok. I don't think he was trying anything, he said he wasn't.. but when his hand moved to my hip i freaked out. Why did this freak me out? cuz well, his hand was under my clothes on my hip. hehe i immediately kinda jumped up (pretty funny now that i think about it) hehe. and well, he tried to protest that he had no intention of trying anything, and i believe him.. it's just well, i guess it just serves to prove that things are REALLY weird between us and i'm not comfortable around him anymore.

In fact, when that whole hand holding thing happened last night.. i fell asleep thinking about how weird it was. I mean, you know how it feels to have someone you care about hold your hand? Well, it just didn't feel like that. i felt nothing... but emotional discomfort. As in, he shouldn't be holding my hand, i don't want to touch him and most of all, guilt for not feeling that way about him anymore. Yeah.. and this morning it got me to thinking about how in the beginning of my breakup with the ex and i was seeing Ethan, he and I had so many arguments because of my guilt. I was feeling so guilty that my feelings for him (the ex) had changed. Ethan kept trying to get it through my head that i had a right to feel whatever i wanted to feel. That it was unfortunate, but it was still my right. I didn't realize till now that i had somehow stopped feeling guilty. I wonder at what point that stopped? Maybe i should go back and read some entries. But anyways, so yeah. It's kinda funny and annoying at the same time how i analyze everything, duncha think? Just one little action from him and i'm left analyzing the situation. Ugh i've been doing way too much thinking lately.

Yeah i'm an idiot sometimes. blahh

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