The Last Straw
Wed. 01.07.04 - 12:52 a.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

I have some time to kill so here's the scoop:

The ex and I had a huge fight early tuesday morning. He ended up saying that he either wanted me out, or he was leaving. It's time i leave. I'm staying here for a few days.. after which my friend will let me stay with him (he's in the process of getting an apartment, which is why he can't take me in right away).

The fight: I couldn't sleep, so i stayed up the whole night. For some reason, this never fails to piss him off. It annoys him when i don't sleep. He gets even more annoyed when i spend my insomniatic time online.. especially if i'm chatting with a friend. So the fight began when.. I couldn't sleep, ended up chatting with Ethan. The ex figured that out. He tends to get mad at me when he knows i'm talking to ethan. So what does he do? Starts swearing and yelling at me.. says that me being awake is keeping him up. You went to bed like what, 4 hours ago? i'm pretty sure that i did not keep you up for FOUR HOURS. Your insane need to be nosey and kill happiness within a 10-mile radius of you is what has kept you up! Arse! When that didn't work, he tried to say that my typing was too loud. Umm. ok. fine, i'll stop typing. But he was not happy with that! He wanted me to go to bed. WTH! You don't own me. You have no right to tell me what to do. Is this why you're upset? Because you have no control over me anymore? Well i have news for you, you never had it.

So anyways, I decided to ignore his yelling and swearing.. which pissed him off more. Which is around the time that he told me he wanted me out. Went on to say that if i didn't go, he'd leave. I stayed quiet. Then he said "Do you want me to go? Cuz i'll go! Want me to go?! Fine! But once i go, i'm not coming back!"

Again i say.. "umm."

WE ARE NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE! If you want to leave, LEAVE! Yes, you have supported me for the past year but that does not mean that i NEED you. It was YOUR decision to tell me to not find a new job after i got laid off. YOU practically begged me not to get a part-time job. I felt like i needed to contribute SOMETHING, even if we didn't need it, or it was an insignificant sum. After i got the job, YOU asked me thousands of times to just quit. I have been VERY GRATEFUL that you have supported me, but don't in any way think that means i am USING you or that i am WORTHLESS and deserving of your emotional abuse.

I have begun to see a side of you that either has come out due to the breakup, or always existed but i was unwilling to see before. You have been not just mean, but CRUEL to me. That is uncalled for. Furthermore, as much shit that you have put me through, i can deal with that. I can even sit silently and let you scream in my face for 20 minutes. But i will NOT be silent when you behave rudely to my kid sister. I know she can be annoying at times, but that is NO excuse to be a jerk. I realize you never had a family, so you don't know what it's like. So let me be the one to inform you. My family and friends are off-limits to you. Say what you like about me, but don't you dare go there with anyone i care about.

And to top it all off, Ethan has decided to show his true colors. As i was talking to him when the ex started to pull this bs on me, he immediately offered to fly out here. I told him no, that i didn't require a rescue mission and there was nothing he could do for me anyway. He insisted. I started to think that ok, maybe, for once, i should take someone up on their offer for emotional support. So i said ok. He said i'll see you this afternoon.

He never showed. He never called.

WHY tell me not to worry, things will be fine, i'll be there for you.. then break your word? WHY allow me to rely on you.. then fail to deliver? I didn't ASK you to be there for me. In fact, i tried to talk you out of it! But you INSISTED. I DON'T GET IT! Is it really that much fun to screw with me?

SOMEONE TELL ME why the hell i put myself in these situations. WHY am i still living with my ex? WHY have i not found a job yet? WHY do i continuously allow my heart and hopes to be trampled on by men who are just not deserving enough?

Nevermind, i don't need someone to answer that. I figured it out. Because i'm a goddamn idiot, that's why.

dammit and i can't remember whether or not i took my medicine this morning. UGH. i need to relax and quit stressing so much.. it's affecting my goddamn health.

and i swear too much lately.

fuq.

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