Turning Point
Thurs. 12.04.03 - 4:03 p.m.

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I feel drained today. I slept about 6 hours, so it's not as if i'm tired really. My sleeping habits have changed drastically within the past month.. i think part of it's because of the thyroid medicine i've been on. I'm actually really loving the lack of sleep. I always believed that sleep was a waste of time. I remember reading a Dean Koontz novel once, where the main character shared this belief. He was right. Sleep is a waste of time. Think of all the other things you could be doing with the 8 hours you're just lying there with your eyes closed. Don't get me wrong, I like rest. I love my pillow. I enjoy snuggling up under the covers. But I also think that 6 hours is a lot. Maybe i'll cut back to 5.

So in all honesty, i kinda had a bad morning. I let my fears get the best of me and I ended up admitting to *him* that if anything should happen to him, it'd kill me. It wasn't the greatest of moments, but somehow i managed to pick myself up off the floor, stop the conversation and get myself off to bed. When i woke up i started feeling the full effect of the situation again, so i called one of my best friends. Don't you just love it when you're completely out of your mind, longing for comfort, wishing for someone to make it all better, and they come through for you? I love it when that happens. She's a great friend. Intelligent and to the point. She basically said "Look at you. Look how great you are. See how far you've come. You'll get through this. In the meantime, forget what everyone else will think. Follow your heart. Go be with him. Just go there and spend as much time with him as you can so that you won't have to look back on this later and regret it. So what if you make a fool of yourself in the process. You'll still be alive and at least you can say you didn't have regrets. So just go."

So now I have plans. Think positive. Everything WILL be ok. I will accept nothing less than that. I'm going to be with the love of my life. We're going to have four beautiful children, a dog and a cat that he doesn't know about. maybe even two. We are going to travel. I want my name carved into that tree on that hilltop in Italy. I want that sunset on the beach in Hawaii. I want all of it. And it will be mine. Just you wait and see.

I love you, Ethan.

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