Blue
Wed. 8.15.01 - 11:35 a.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

It's 11:32 and I haven't heard a single cry for help yet.

That's right.
No "I can't print!"
No "My computer froze!"
No "My e-mail is too slow! waaah"

But I feel so grumpy. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I know something is. Did that sentence make sense? Mostly, I feel sad. Very, very sad. I feel like a part of me has died and i'm in mourning. Was it my innocence? Or was it compassion? Hope, perhaps? Most likely all of the above. Because I feel like i've almost given up on life. Like i've decided "fuq it all" and am just going with the flow. With whatever life is throwing at me. Which probably isn't much, but when you're depressed everything seems like a much bigger deal. I want to be HAPPY. I was happy two years ago. What changed? SO much. I want my grandma back. I want my friends back. I want my innocence back. I don't like how unfair the world seems. The reality of injustice is almost too hard to bear.

I have issues. The scary thing is, I don't know how to deal with them. I don't know how to get out of this funk i'm in. Truth is, i've been in it for a while. I'm miserable. Most days I do a pretty good job of hiding it.

Right now, thinking of my relationship with HB makes me sad. I feel like i'm not getting enough from him. And I know that the funk is probably causing any amount of affection to be ruled "not enough." But that still doesn't make me feel any better. I mean, yesterday I was really upset when I got home. I needed to be comforted. Know what? I didn't get that. Because he felt i was being unreasonable. How messed up is that. Things like that make me so resentful of him. Sad, too. He apologized later, but deep down, I feel like he doesn't mean it. Are relationships really supposed to be this hard?

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