Tsunami
Thurs. 04.08.04 - 10:37 a.m.

Feeling: a little tired
Listening: birds outside
Quote: "How much we care depends somewhat on our estimate of the need for our caring."

Sometimes, i hate myself.

I mean, I hate the way I am.

There are some things about me.. that I wish I could get rid of, I wish i could change.. but deep down I know, i'll never be able to get rid of it.

I'm a worrier. I worry about anything and everything. EVEN IF I DON'T KNOW YOU, I WILL WORRY ABOUT YOU.

Every. Fucking. Thing.

In some cases, it will get to the point where I�ll get physically ill.

I'm not kidding. It happens fairly often.

I'll be carrying a conversation with a friend, he'll casually talk about his life.. maybe how he wishes a few things could be better... and BOOM wave of nausea.

I'll get onto BART and see this kid sitting across from me. He'll be a little beat up and dirty. With him he�ll have two trash bags filled with what look like clothes and possibly every other �only necessary� possession a runaway would need. We�ll play stare tag. I�ll assess that he�s probably around my age, a little younger. And despite all of his attempts at exuding the �don�t mess with me, I�m tough� attitude, I�ll look at his face, his eyes, and know he�s scared. I'll reluctantly get off at my stop, feeling like an ass for not talking him into coming home with me. Two weeks later, I�ll still be thinking about him. Wondering what�s happened to him. If he's ok.

I surf the web a lot. I read a lot of online diaries. But there are just a few that are my favorites. Those diaries that I�ve read so religiously, I feel like I know the person. I�ll read an entry.. in which I get this urge to reach into my computer screen and just grab the writer. Hold them. Try to make it all better. For the rest of the day, i'll have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

That one happened this morning. In case you were wondering what brought this crazy arse entry about. I'm NOT asking for pity or compliments, or even just COMMENTS. I just want to vent.

I hate myself because while you might be thinking "oh but you�re just a caring person.. blah blah blah."

No, it�s more than that. I GET SICK. Physically. Sick. I feel depressed. I get the urge to throw up. I want to crawl under my blankets and hide. To run away. I mean, it's really bad when you're so bothered by something that it affects your mood and how you function, even if just a little. That little is still a lot.

And maybe I should feel a little guilty for saying this... but sometimes, I wish that I could turn it off. The fucking compassion or whatever the hell this twisted, out-of-control thing is. Because it hurts, you know. I mean, yes I don�t want to stop CARING.. but I can�t care about every damn thing. Why do I take these burdens on? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I take on other people�s problems? Why do I make them my own? Why do I let it consume me to the point where I�m practically BEGGING someone to �make it go away.�

I was having a conversation with a friend the other night where this subject came up. I realized a few things. One of which.. now I really know what my friend Shawn meant when she said I run from things. I remember her telling me this years ago. I also remember resenting her for it. "She doesn�t know what she�s talking about." Over the years, I started to kind of see what she meant.. most definitely when I moved from Hawaii to California after my grandma passed away. But for some reason, now I see WHY. Bigger than the why of "because no one LIKES to have to deal with tough times." No, I make my tough times even bigger by dragging my heart through every single thing that I do.

I pray to God that doesn�t make me a drama queen.


JewJewBe@n: you should try though
hamak0san: i dunno... i dont want to in a way. it hurts. i dont want to think about it. same reason i dont like calling home so much. i can't deal with it
JewJewBe@n: why does it hurt?
hamak0san: worrying about people.. it just hurts
JewJewBe@n: someone needs to do it
hamak0san: it's overpowering for me.. i mean, i sound retarded.. but that's what it feels like. it's like this..
hamak0san: imagine this..
hamak0san: you're standing along the shore..
hamak0san: at the beach..
hamak0san: just taking in the view
hamak0san: (symbolism: life)
hamak0san: when all of a sudden..
hamak0san: the sky turns grey...
hamak0san: it gets cloudy..
hamak0san: and these massive waves start rolling in to shore..
hamak0san: (symbolism: someone's just told me their problem)
hamak0san: and suddenly i'm scrambling to try to get to higher ground.. as these waves are pounding against me..
hamak0san: trying to swallow me
hamak0san: and i can't breathe
hamak0san: and it's overwhelming
hamak0san: and dark
hamak0san: and scary
hamak0san: and i just want to get out
hamak0san: get as far away as i can
hamak0san: because i'm scared
hamak0san: and i dont like this feeling
hamak0san: that's what it feels like
hamak0san: everytime someone i know is in trouble
hamak0san: or stressed out
hamak0san: or worried
hamak0san: i immediately end up on that shore
hamak0san: scrambling to get to higher ground
hamak0san: as far away from the situation as possible
hamak0san: so i guess shawn was right. i run from things
JewJewBe@n: i'd tell you to stop worrying so much, but i know you physically can't
JewJewBe@n: it's who you are
JewJewBe@n: and there's really nothing you can do about it
JewJewBe@n: i dont know if i'd call it "running" from things.. you don't ignore your worrying... you're just powerless against it, even if you run, it catches up to you
JewJewBe@n: but without people like you who give a damn, the world would be a water-less place... it would be entirely lifeless
hamak0san: i saw this episode of charmed, once. where this guy.. he felt everything. all of the world's pain. and it physically made him hurt. so he shut himself away from everyone. he hid. as messed up and after-school specially as this sounds.. thats how i feel at times like this. i FEEL it. ugh the words i'm using now aren't even enough! it's so frustrating. if you only knew. if only i could take your hand and SHOW YOU how it feels to have these EMOTIONS .. god it SUCKS.. it's so.. i don't know.. i wish i could turn it off.. but the only way i've ever learned to turn it off is to walk away. turn my back. so i can't see the situation
hamak0san: pretend it doesn't exist
hamak0san: maybe that's one of the reasons i prefer to be here than in hawaii. i never realized it.. but i guess it really is true
hamak0san: i knew when i came here.. i was running away a little. from having to face the reality of my grandmother's death.
hamak0san: but i thought that was all i was running from
hamak0san: apparenlty i was wrong
JewJewBe@n: what's wrong with running
JewJewBe@n: it's your way of dealing
hamak0san: because when you run.. you turn your back on things
hamak0san: and people
JewJewBe@n: you don't know how to turn your back on people
hamak0san: maybe i'm better at it than everyone realizes
hamak0san: it's why i have so much guilt over grandma's death
hamak0san: it's why danyo hated me
hamak0san: it's why i don't call home so much
JewJewBe@n: you didn't turn your back on any of them... you still think about your grandmother, you still miss her, you still cry over her and her memory... she's within you
JewJewBe@n: you haven't shut her out
hamak0san: no i mean before her death
hamak0san: i wasnt there for her
hamak0san: and she was mad at me for it
JewJewBe@n: why do you beat yourself up over it
JewJewBe@n: it's the past...just let it go...

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