sorry, try again
Mon. 05.16.05 - 11:35 a.m.

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if they were giving out medals for shittiest person in the world, i'd most certainly win the Gold.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Is it stress? It seems like i blame a lot of things on my stress level. But aren't i the one who causes that stress?

Is it depression? Is it hereditary? Do i need to be on something? Am i crazy? Why am i so moody?

There are just so many things wrong with me. So many things i do that i wish i didn't but i do them anyway. J's been busy with some teen bootcamp thing which means we've probably talked for about 30 minutes in the last two days. We're used to spending heaploads of time on the phone together at night. SO yeah, i'm being bratty and feeling lonely and neglected. but is it his fault? of course not. i know that. yet i still acted distant and moody towards him last night when he called me around midnight to wish me good night. I don't know why but a part of me wishes he hadn't called me at all. I'd have preferred not to have heard his voice only to have to tear myself off the phone a few minutes later so he could get in his 4 hours of sleep. how much of an arse am i? i barely mumbled a goodbye before hanging up on him. part of me wished he'd call me back. cater to my brattiness. but he didn't. he was exhausted and probably didn't even realize that i was upset. yet i couldn't help but feel resentful. thoughts of 'but.. ethe NEVER would have let me say goodbye that way. he'd NEVER let me hang up or log off on him.' he simply refused to put up with it. he'd text message me until i answered. he'd email me "casey, get back online right now damnit!" and i'd do it.

so i'm an asshole. for being a brat. for being a brat and getting upset when no one refuses to put up with said brattiness. for comparing two totally different people, when one of them cares about me tremendously, would never hurt me, tries his hardest and yet i still keep him at a distance. even after all these weeks.

last night, before we hung up he said "i love you. you're my world. you're my life.. my joy, my happiness." and int he moment i tried to catch my breath he said, "all that's on your shoulders."

i don't know how i managed to not hyperventilate. i've told him that i needed to go slow. fine, we'll say our 'i love yous' and not think about what that really means or the depth of it. but FUQ. the last thing i need is knowing i'm responsible for someone else's feelings. we almost broke up a month ago because i told him i couldnt' deal with it! and he tells me this, in the middle of the night, semi-incoherant from lack of sleep, about 30 seconds before we hang up the phone. and i'm left to lay in bed awake all night.. letting those words eat away at me.

i'm not ready for this.

he may very well be the kind of guy i've been looking for. he may very well be the guy that is able to give me everything i've ever wanted. he may very well be one of the sweetest guys i've ever met..

but i'm not ready for this. i'm not ready for this pressure. i'm not ready for a serious relationship. i'm not ready to mean so much to someone else. i'm not ready for any of it.

what scares me even more is the lingering thought.. will i ever be?

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