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Fri. 07.15.05 - 1:25 p.m.

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still feel like ass. only difference is i had even less sleep last night than i did in the nights past. awesome.

So not looking forward to tonight. or tomorrow. or sunday. there goes my weekend. awesome squared.

barely talked to j all week. i think he's supposed to leave for three days on sunday or something. i really don't know much about it because, like i said, i've barely talked to him.. and when he HAS graced me with a phone call, i don't feel like talking or have much to say to him. The whole thing scares me and makes me sad but then i think.. oh well. better to have things go downhill now rather than later.. i've been feeling so distant because of it all. not just with him though, with everything- work, friends. i'm starting to withdraw, i can feel it. the even scarier thing is.. it makes it hard for me to trust people when i get like this. unfortunately i've been feeling that way with j lately. like i don't trust him to stick around, i don't trust him to still care about me, i don't trust him to not get bored. and maybe all this is just ME. caused by ME, MY fears. but i can't help but feel justified.. we barely talk anymore and when we do, he just doesn't seem all that interested. so yeah, i pull away. i wish things were different.

I've been having nightmares all week. usually i dont remember my dreams.. but every once in a while, when i get really stressed.. i have non-stop nightmares for two weeks straight. guess i'm back in that mode again. i must have woken up at least 5 times last night.

eh. i'm tired. can't WAIT for this damn week to be over.

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