hama's emancipation
Tues. 05.10.05 - 11:26 a.m. Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:
Phil: how are things with your boi?
hamak0: coolio
hamak0: i have my moments where i'm overwhelmed and all.. haha
hamak0: but he's a genuinely nice guy so i can't complain much
Phil: sweet
Phil: but ?
hamak0: i don't know actually
hamak0: just this feeling sometimes
hamak0: and i hate that
Phil: grass is greener feeling?
Phil: like there is something missing and u cant put your finger on it?
hamak0: yeah possibly
hamak0: which is odd.. i'm usually never like that in relationships
hamak0: granted i've been through a shitload of things between last bf and this one
hamak0: and when i'm calm and rational i see that he's a great guy, i like him, in a lot of ways he has a LOT of things i want in a person and i'm just being scared and overwhelmed
hamak0: then there are other moments where i just want everyone to leave me alone, not like me, yadda yadda yadda
hamak0: i think the problem is in some ways, i'm not ready
hamak0: too scarred or whatever
hamak0: but oh well
hamak0: as long as i go SUPER SLOW and not think about anything but the moment, i'm good
hamak0: now i'm rambling =)
Phil: haha its phine
Phil: i asked you to
Phil: =P
Phil: some way or another i really like it when you ramble i remember your voice and how cute it sounds and it actually makes me smile quite a bit when im chatting with you online and u go off on a tangent or 2
Phil: :-D
hamak0: aww
hamak0: that's so sweet of you to say
hamak0: hehe
Phil: with regards to your relationship...
Phil: i just wanted to mention something
Phil: as far as my own experience...
hamak0: yes please
hamak0: mhmm..
Phil: when i have a rough spot in my life and i start dating and if things arent going as they should... i mean in my head... like its not usual behavior for me..
Phil: it was something you said...
Phil: like you dont want to be around anyone sometimes
Phil: and that reminded me of how i felt sometimes
Phil: i had that same feeling
Phil: and i learned later... that depression is rage turned inward
Phil: i say that because i thought i had some lingering depression
Phil: and i just get annoyed at things easily
Phil: thats the rage... and dont have the patience to put up with other peoples eccentricities
Phil: from time to time
hamak0: anger at myself? for what? for.. wait you got annoyed easily?
hamak0: i do that with him a lot.. when we hang out
hamak0: and i'm just SO not that kind of person.. hell i have SO much patience
Phil: i think you�re just under a little could still.. if anxiety
Phil: and stress
Phil: and as that lifts you'll be your old self
hamak0: wait.. say that again.. under a lot of what?
Phil: haha which part?
Phil: lol
Phil: dude im gonna call you
Phil: i cant type all that again
hamak0: lmao
hamak0: hehe ok =)
hamak0: call me at home
we had a long talk and he shared his own experiences/opinion and i just feel like i gained a lot of insight from it. he said..
either you're depressed or just under a lot of stress (actually i'm both) and you're not yourself right now. you're upset and angry and stressed out about how you feel about things in your life and while you're usually a very external, sociable person when you get in that kind of mood you don't want to be around people. you realize that you're not yourself, you're not happy and chatty and enjoyable and you don't want to have to put on a show or make other people uncomfortable because of your mood so you simply avoid everything (hence my locking myself in my room on the weekends). So when you don't get that space you get annoyed or irritable easily. you're not yourself. it'll just take a little time for that to go away and you'll be yourself again. basically, he just came along when you weren't ready. so you should just take things slow.. or just be friends for a while till you start feeling normal again then hopefully if he's single in 6 months, then you can try again. let me ask you this, could you potentially see more with this guy? like, the father of your children?
me: uh.. yeah...
phil: dude! then don't fuq this up. haha
hehe the dumbarse. anywho. like i said, we had a long talk and i just felt so good and calm after. i feel like i'm starting to piece together some of what i've been feeling lately and why.
i realize how much my job and lifestyle situation is contributing to my overall health. when i got on the phone my voice was all gravelly and he asked "why are you always sick? i can hear it in your voice." basically, i've been sick since the beginning of this year. while i got over superflu, i've still maintained traces of it. in the last week it's been getting a little worse, but nothing at all like it was back in february. basically, i see more than ever now that things need to change. and quick.
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