the calm before the storm
Fri. 07.08.05 - 9:30 a.m.

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Surprisingly, i've been calm in the last few days. I think i've just been mulling over everything.. pondering how i can possibly pull off a major overhaul of my life. yet again. i'm just not satisfied with things and maybe the jist of it is working in a city different than the one i live in, maybe it's the fact that i'm not in school when i should be, maybe it's the fact that i feel so stressed and pressured all the time.

I'm scared that i'm so calm. i'm scared about the thoughts i've been having. about how i as much as i love J, i see our differences and it scares me. about how i have 5 months before i plan on being gone from this job.. and that maybe i should start reconsidering the whole military thing again. at least then if i'd be alone, it wouldn't be so bad.. because i KNOW that i put myself in that position. i CHOSE that.

am i making any sense? probably not. when do i ever.

last night, after about 30 minutes of talking on the phone (the first time we'd talked all day) we got disconnected. he never called me back. i tried calling him after about an hour, but i just got his voicemail. so then i tried his home phone.. and it was disconnected. when did he disconnect his phone? he never told me he did.. hell, he JUST got his cell phone on saturday, here in sf! he's been home not even 4 days. the odd thing is.. i was barely even upset. disappointed a little, yeah. but for the most part i just sort of shrugged it off and went to bed. normally i'd be SO upset! but not last night. maybe with all of the lack of sleep, stress and thoughts weighing on my mind.. i realize i could use a break from everyone. sure, i miss him. but i also just feel this urge to push everyone away. we've both been so busy since he flew back to SD, that we've barely been able to talk much.. and i've been perfectly fine with it, oddly enough.

anyhow, i can't wait until i get home this weekend. finally, some peace and quiet.. and alone time. now if today and tomorrow would just speed up...

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