bonds
04.12.05 - 1:03 p.m.

Feeling: content
Listening: cool - gwen stefani
Quote: "Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget." -unknown

Of all the conversations Ethe and I have had, I think this is my favorite. I think we�ve finally come to a place where we can both move on, be happy with other people, and look back on our past with a smile. We may not be IN love with each other still, but I certainly do love him as one of the greatest friends I've ever had, one of the most important people in my life at a time when I needed it the most.



ethe: hey
Auto response from hamak0san: I am away from my computer right now.
hamak0san: hey
hamak0san: sorry just got home
ethe: yankees (icon)?
hamak0san: it's punishment
ethe: haha
hamak0san: have to leave it up for 2 weeks
hamak0san: yes yes, funny ha ha
hamak0san: can i ask you a question
ethe: sure
hamak0san: remember when you said those things about me..the things that you didn't like
hamak0san: about how they were your reason for holding back with me
hamak0san: am i really that bad?
hamak0san: i mean..
hamak0san: am i a bad person?
ethe: you know you're not a bad person
hamak0san: but Y used to say them about me all the time
hamak0san: and you .. i never thought you'd ever look at me that way, and then you did
hamak0san: so do you think i'm that bad.. or worthless or destined to be a loser
hamak0san: like ... if you could see them, when i loved you as hard as i did.. what's to stop everyone else from seeing me in such a bad light
ethe: you're asking a loaded question... i think you're a great person, with a lot to offer others and the world... and i've never called anyone worthless, other than maybe a few airhead hippies
ethe: you're not a loser, you're smart... you just sometimes hold back
hamak0san: but what about the money situation.. with Y. i mean, i think he's treated me like a worthless piece of trash because of the fact that he helped me out for months after i moved out
ethe: money is worthless, money amounts to nothing, not a judge of anything
ethe: is it going well (with the new boyfriend)?
hamak0san: it's ok, but it's not the same, the way it was with me and you
hamak0san: i mean, i care about him... but i feel guilty all the time
ethe: it's better that it's not
hamak0san: yeah i suppose
ethe: that's what me and you have to do, find calm people because we're both too emotionally insane
hamak0san: yeah
hamak0san: i mean, i think that he's good for me.. he's emotionally there in every way Y wasn't. but i guess i'm too stubborn when it comes to men nowadays. i compare too much. i'm trying to stop that, because it's not fair to the other person i suppose
ethe: yup
hamak0san: i guess one of my problems was the mentality that if things weren't like they were with you and i, the relationship wasn't worth it. i'm forcing myself to let go of that and just give people a chance. or maybe that's what i tell myself so i don't feel like i'm settling
hamak0san: either way, he's a good guy and deserves more than i certainly give him
hamak0san: which is the reason for most of the guilt
ethe: you and your concept of deserving
hamak0san: it's not the way it was with you and i
hamak0san: i'm very removed
hamak0san: and hard to open up
hamak0san: i feel bad, but in a way i also like it like that.. the space.
ethe: nothing will be the way it was between you and i, we functioned on the same wavelength for a good length of time
ethe: i miss that too
hamak0san: i told you this before.. and maybe now you can see it.. I don�t think i will ever love someone again the way i loved you
hamak0san: even a long time from now, after we�ve both moved on, you'll still have a piece of my heart
hamak0san: and i'll always miss you
ethe: i'm there too
hamak0san: =)
hamak0san: good
hamak0san: heh
hamak0san: i love you, you know
hamak0san: i miss our friendship the most
hamak0san: you just. . got me
hamak0san: =)
hamak0san: but thank you for being there when you were
ethe: no thank yous
hamak0san: i needed you.. and you were everything i could have asked for.. and then some
ethe: stop it please
ethe: i can't do this sentimental shit anymore
hamak0san: no really ethe. i'm saying this not just because i fell in love with you.. but because you were just one of the most influential people in my life
hamak0san: and i want you to NEVER forget that
hamak0san: no matter what happened between us,
ethe: i want to forget it
hamak0san: no matter if we never talk again
hamak0san: just know that you influenced my life in a very positive way
hamak0san: and i dont care if you want to forget it..
hamak0san: though i wish you wouldn't
hamak0san: i hope i never forget
hamak0san: heh.. so yeah. i'm done with my spiel and crying.. lol
ethe: gahhhhhhhhhhhh i miss you
hamak0san: i'm sorry
hamak0san: i'm so so sorry..
hamak0san: i wish you just KNEW how much i love you
hamak0san: how much you mean to me
ethe: double date?
hamak0san: hehe definitely
ethe: or not
hamak0san: though you know, i'd have to grill your partner
hamak0san: you know, to make sure they were worthy =)
ethe: they're not
hamak0san: lol yeah, they never are
hamak0san: some day though
hamak0san: i know it
hamak0san: someone's going to blow you away
ethe: especially this one, oh well she digs me enough
hamak0san: nah
hamak0san: i think it'll happen for you the way it happened for you and i
hamak0san: this instant, ball of fire
hamak0san: and you'll be the happiest you've ever been
hamak0san: and i'll be happy for you =)
hamak0san: promise me you'll invite me to the wedding? heh
hamak0san: i promise to give a present better than a toaster
ethe: i'm not getting married
hamak0san: lol
hamak0san: i love you =) haha always so stubborn
ethe: marriage needs to burn in hell
hamak0san: fight it all you want though...
ethe: why did you act so weird the last time we spoke
ethe: or tried to speak
hamak0san: i was drunk
hamak0san: lol sorry
ethe: no before that
hamak0san: well, i didn't htink i was being weird. but i didn't feel like talking, plus i didnt want you to think i was ok with you after i felt like you'd blown me off and given up on us.. but i also wanted you to know that i did miss our friendship and wanted to keep in touch with you.. so i didn't want to completely ignore you, so i said hi, but i didn't want to have a lengthy conversation. plus i was dead tired and on my way to bed
hamak0san: i dont really like talking anymore. i rarely chat with anyone
hamak0san: and while i know you and i were never at a loss for words, i just simply didn't know what to say to you
hamak0san: suppose i felt guilty for trying to move on and didn't want to talk about it
ethe: well just your presence would have been nice
hamak0san: then i apologize
ethe: gah girls are retarded
ethe: i hate when they try to get to know me
hamak0san: lol
hamak0san: you're worth knowing. haha can you blame them?
ethe: yes, they're just annoying about it
ethe: and their pointless flirting
hamak0san: only pointless because you choose to make it pointless
ethe: it was nice when you flirted
ethe: because you were sweet about it
hamak0san: i was sincere, that's all
hamak0san: really though, i sucked at it
hamak0san: i was too shy and cheesy
ethe: which made you good at it
ethe: your shyness was really cute
ethe: it wasn't prude shy, it was cute shy
hamak0san: lol you totally got rid of it though after some time
ethe: and let the corruption begin
hamak0san: haha
hamak0san: that's right
hamak0san: i'm so innocent >=D
ethe: oh. yeah.
hamak0san: haha
hamak0san: oh come on!
hamak0san: i wassss
ethe: past tense
hamak0san: at least give me that
hamak0san: lol
hamak0san: i blame you for the corruption
ethe: hey i was a virgin when we first met
hamak0san: hahah i practically was too!
ethe: and now you can practically teach a class
hamak0san: heh not really punk
ethe: you know it
hamak0san: nah, i'm still kinda shy
ethe: i know
hamak0san: =)
hamak0san: i miss you
hamak0san: i miss how well you knew me
hamak0san: how i didn't even have to say anything, and you knew what i was thinking or feeling
ethe: it's not hard
hamak0san: because it came naturally to you
hamak0san: believe me, it's not that easy for everyone else
ethe: and if Y said something about you it's only because he's jealous
ethe: his maturity level was never very high
ethe: actually it was always sickeningly low
ethe: jealous guys don't know what to do, i went crazy a few nights ago too
hamak0san: what happened?
ethe: just got drunk and started bitching about you
hamak0san: lol
hamak0san: if it makes you feel better, i still talk about you a lot.. haha
ethe: but see you have no way of finding out...which is what he did, minus the alcohol, jealous ex syndrome
ethe: everything he feels is heightened case, he's jealous, give him a break
hamak0san: he's not jealous, he just hates me
ethe: he's jealous as hell
ethe: and you're blind for not seeing it
hamak0san: what does he have to be jealous of? he didnt want me when we were together, so we broke up and i never told him about the new boyfriend because i didn't want to hurt him ..he has no reason to be jealous
ethe: and even if it's not you he wants right now, he's still jealous
ethe: because you never experienced a broken heart over him after the break up
hamak0san: i did hurt!
hamak0san: i cried for a long time
ethe: not in the same way he did
ethe: did you ever want him back?
hamak0san: no
ethe: he wanted you back
ethe: it's different
hamak0san: maybe i'm an asshole then
ethe: no
ethe: you're just moving on the way you need to
ethe: fuck him case
ethe: not literally
hamak0san: but i dont want to hurt anyone
hamak0san: lol dork
ethe: you can't help it
hamak0san: god.. i dont know if i can deal with relationships then
hamak0san: what if i have to deal with another breakup?
ethe: you might
ethe: oh well
ethe: life goes on
hamak0san: i know, i know i can deal with my heart.. but i can't deal with hurting another person
ethe: relationships end in two ways... marriage or breaking up
ethe: and you're only going to end up marrying one man... so there's a great chance that this one will end in a break up as well;
hamak0san: yeah i know
ethe: so stop kicking yourself all the time
hamak0san: i'm being a chicken and a kid about this
hamak0san: like M always says.. "you have to be mentally strong " "dont let people get to you"
ethe: where's your self-preservation instinct
hamak0san: i pawned it for this really cool ring
hamak0san: wanna see?
hamak0san: =D
ethe: haha, i must have bought it from you
ethe: because i have too much self-preservation
hamak0san: lol
hamak0san: i respect that though
ethe: no you dont, it's what ruined us for a long time
hamak0san: yeah.. you chicken =P
ethe: you know that's true
hamak0san: heh yeah i know
hamak0san: pi =)
hamak0san: pi pi pi!!
ethe: i love you
hamak0san: heh.. i love you too

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