Bitterness is very unbecoming
08.27.04 - 10:56 a.m.

Feeling: disconnected
Listening: Monkey vacuuming
Quote:

When did i cross the line from being nice, sweet girl over to slightly bitter and self-piteous loser?

SO while I'm sitting at home feeling sorry for myself over losing my best friend, no longer speaking to the guy i fell hard for over the last year-ish and WISHING i were in Boston.. my family is in Hawaii, planning a wedding. For Tuesday.

woohoo!

[i'm sure i'll get out of this mood in a week, i just need to go through this funk stage for a bit]

I grew up with my step-siblings. There are three of them from my step-dad: Vanessa 29-ish, Nora (same age as me-24), and Andrew (21- same age as Ash). i've known them since around the second grade. They moved to Oregon to live with their mom right before I entered high school. At one time, Nora and I were semi-close. We were good friends. Everything kind of changed after our parents got married though- I think she was angry that there was no possibility of her parents remarrying as well as the fact that OTHER children were being raised by her father instead he being around for her. She said and did a lot of things to sabotage the relationship between my mom and her dad. Recently though, I think she came to terms with it all.. but I've never been able to forget what she did to me personally a couple of years ago. I'd rather we be friends.. and i wish that we DID have a closer relationship.. but everything just seems so INGENUINE. Maybe it's because i've always been so competitive anyway but it does feel like there's a competition between us. Right now i'm losing seeing as how she just bought a house and is getting married while *I* on the other hand, chucked my "perfect" relationship (in the eyes of everyone else but ME) to the side to pursue a lonely life in SF where i'm now just poor and uneducated. double woohoo.

*sigh* whatever.

So the step-sibs are visiting Hawaii for a week or so. I saw my mom online about 10 minutes ago after getting home from the laundromat with Monkey so I IMed her to ask her a question. I got this instead: Hamak0san: mom?
808: no, it's nora [using her SN]
Hamak0san: oh. =) hi nora
Hamak0san: how's it goin
808: is this casey? or ashley
Hamak0san: casey
808: hey, how are you?
Hamak0san: good.. and yourself?
Hamak0san: enjoying Hawaii?
808: yeah, did i tell you james and i are going to get married, here?
808: total spontaneous thing, he asked me last saturday and we just picked out our rings
Hamak0san: wow how wonderful!
Hamak0san: congratulations!
Hamak0san: when's the wedding?
808: on tuesday our 8 year anniversary, at kikaua point beach park in kona near the four seasons. real casual, I have to find a dress...nuts yeah
808: we are flying my mom in on monday.....I used all my air miles, i finally had a free ticket, so i gave it to mom
Hamak0san: wow that's .. =) i'm happy for you!
Hamak0san: how exciting
808: i know, I wanted to tell you earlier, I didn't even tell my friends or co workers cause so much "stress"
Hamak0san: lol
Hamak0san: oh don't worry about it.. these days i've been pretty hard to find anyway
808: andrew is here too, all crashed out, never even took a shower last nite u know how my dad was.
Hamak0san: LOL how?
Hamak0san: how's Andrew btw? tell him i said hi later
808: you know, we go in andrews room, he is all sleeping, same clothes from airport not even under the covers. i was like that is how he is all the time....my dad was laughing, he cannot handle if u don't get all "ready and clean" before you go moi
Hamak0san: lol
808: anyways, I will talk to you later, call the house!!!! I gotta try do some bills on line.
Hamak0san: lol well you have fun planning the big day
Hamak0san: yeah... i'll call sometime this week or so
808: thank you!!!!!!
Hamak0san: aloha
Hamak0san: and congrats again
808: bye

You know, i really am happy for her. I think i'm more caught up in wallowing in my misery at the moment. I meant what I said when I congratulated her but i admit my smiles were masking something else. It also dawned on me after rereading our conversation that.. if ethe had read it? he'd have seen right away how fake i was being.. that i was upset. that's just how well he knew me. and THAT really REALLY sucks. I don't want someone to know me that well and have to let go of them.

And then there's this anger. Just a little.. but i can feel it, right below the surface. I don't know what i'm angry about. I could be angry with Ethe but I think i'm more hurt than anything (god i WISH i could hate him). Maybe I'm angry with myself.

Angry for being so gullible and naive.

Angry for letting my heart screw me over.

Angry for trusting.

Angry for maintaining a relationship with Y when it's just so.. destructive.

Angry that i can't do anything for my grandfather.

Angry that I can't FIX EVERY THING, for EVERY ONE.

Angry about school.

Maybe that's why all the nightmares too. Last night I had this dream .. sort of a flashback of my grandmother's funeral.. of my grandpa carrying her urn..

ehh, i don't want to talk about this.

Anyway, i'm going away for a day or two.. in San Jose. I need space from everything right now. Maybe I'll write a real entry when i get back.

Maybe.

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