"Stronger than Yesterday"
Mon. 02.16.04 - 12:44 p.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

My morning is NOT going well.

The ex is here today helping me clean up the apartment.

That should say it all, i think.

Ugh.

He basically implied came right out and said that i'm using him. That i've done anything and everything to get what i want out of him. It's funny how i just had this conversation with John yesterday in which he said that i should stop having sex with the ex because he'll probably find a way to use it against me. At the time i completely disagreed.

However, the ex has succeeded yet again in making me see that he's really just a jerk when it comes to his dealings and feelings towards me.

A while back we had a talk about all the furniture that we owned and bought together. He said (and i agreed) that we would sell everything, and split the money. TODAY he's trying to back out on all that. He said that i don't deserve it. That i haven't had a full-time job for a while, that all along he's ALWAYS made more money than me even when i was working at the help desk.

Well i have this to say:

WELCOME TO FREAKING AMERICA! Men will ALWAYS get paid more than women. If you want to keep a tab though, maybe i should give you my bill for washing your laundry, cooking your meals and the countless other things that i've done for your ungrateful behind the past 4 years. AND! if you will recall, the whole reason i HAVEN'T had a full-time job for a while is because YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO! That's not a legitimate argument, you arse.

If you give your word to someone, then you better damn well stick to it. We had a deal, don't try to back out on it now.

I'm sure your stupid little buddies are giving you advice on the matter. Telling you how i must NEED you and i'm USING you. Well they can just go to hell. It was YOU and I in this relationship- NO ONE ELSE. You should know me better than that. I'm NOT a user so don't even try to play that card.

You say you don't like me. I don't like you either. Get it through your head that the sooner you quit wasting time and making this harder for me, the sooner i will be out of your life.

I was so upset over the argument, i left the apartment for a while. When i got to my car i sat there for 15 minutes just crying my eyes out. During this whole ordeal, i have to admit... i started thinking about just going back to hawaii.

i know.

But i was so scared and stressed out and i figured at least there's people there that care about me and want me there and i KNOW i could make it there. So then i called my mom. I guess i was going to tell her that i decided i wanted to come home. But somehow my mouth wouldn't allow those words to form.. and i ended up just bawling to her. Told her what was going on, that i was scared and how the ex was making me feel. I just have to say.. that she was WONDERFUL. She was really truly great. I felt like i could tell her everything that i was feeling.. and she knew just what to say. I'm so thankful to her for that.

After her pep talk, i went to Target to get trash bags. As i was standing in line i started thinking about how this whole thing.. it's like we're going through a divorce. I mean, we weren't just dating or living together. Our lives were completely intertwined. We were practically married.. the only thing missing was a piece of paper with our signatures. Which doesn't really mean anything when it comes right down to it. So yes, i feel like i'm 23 years old and already in the process of a divorce.

blah.

Normally i'd be all weak and just tell him to keep the money from it all but after a long talk with my mom, i've decided that i'm NOT gonna go out like that. I could use that money. He doesn't really need it. And like he so arrogantly pointed out- he makes more money than me. Ten million times more. So why does he care about it? Because he's just trying to be a jerk, simple as that. When i said i wanted to do this i KNEW that it would take every ounce of strength that i had to pull it off. If i start giving in when things like this come up.. there's no chance in hell that i'll make it in SF.

I'm not letting him (or anyone else) push me around like that. I refuse to be that person anymore. I'm better than that.

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