Powerless
Mon. 02.09.04 - 8:14 p.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

FUQ. I hate how i give my power away.

I keep telling myself i won't let him have it anymore.. but yet i keep doing it.

Tonight he got on my case about how i haven't finished packing my things. I HAVEN'T BEEN HOME! I've been juggling work and trips to the city to look for an apartment for the last 2-3 weeks. When i rarely HAVE been home, I'M DEAD TIRED! I told him i'd get it done by this Friday, as i know the apartment people are coming on Saturday to check out the condition of the place. He gave me attitude about it. Started slamming things around. He was also pissy cuz i was chatting with John online. I don't think it's who i'm talking to that pisses him off cuz he gets irritable even when i'm talking to Jim (who's a mutual friend). It's more the fact that 1. i'm laughing or happy about something and 2. cuz he wanted me to be doing something else. I JUST FUCKING GOT HOME, let me RELAX for an HOUR! GAWD. So then i told John i had to go (which i felt REALLY bad for cuz i was kinda abrupt as the ex was slamming crap around and i just wanted to go before he got more pissed). Somehow the ex and i got into a conversation.. he started to say crap. The usual "Here's what i don't like about you." And of course he goes for the "you're such a procrastinator." Though believe me, he didn't quite put it as nicely. FUQ, YOU KNOW WHAT?! i KNOW what my weaknesses are. I KNOW them, TRUST ME. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT FROM YOU, THOUGH! ESPECIALLY when i haven't even been home for THIRTY MINUTES! So just BACK OFF.

ugh.

So we got in another fight. I told him i just need some SPACE. I feel like he's always here.. he moved his things into his new place, and finally slept there Saturday night. Yet he's been here all day.. only goes there to sleep. I realize he still has things here.. i'm not kicking him out, i know he paid rent but FUQ let me enjoy some goddamn quiet time! I haven't been alone in GOD KNOWS HOW LONG and i feel like i'm on the verge of breaking down (yet again).

I JUST NEED SPACE! Give me ONE day please.. just ONE DAY where i don't have to SEE OR HEAR FROM YOU. PLEASE! that's all i need.. i one day to catch my breath..

blahh so he yelled at me, rubbed it all in my face, said some things that really sucked but hey, how can you argue with someone who says bad things about you but you know in a way that they're true. blahh. then he went on to ask my why the hell i was crying, because he hates me and i hate him so no need for tears. fuqer. i told him that i don't hate him.. and i know what he's trying to do. get me to hate him to make himself feel better about hating or being mean to me. i told him it wasn't going to work, that he'd just have to deal with the fact that he's the only one being hateful. He said that wasn't true. SO i told him to look at who's not crying and who is. Then i walked away and went to the bathroom to wash up.

After i got out, he was really nice to me.. more talking, and i started crying again. I just wish he could be adult about it all and we could try to be friends, get through this somehow .. but he doesn't WANT to. He just kept on packing, walking around doing stuff in between telling me to quit crying. It was then that i saw how weak i was being. i mean, i'm sure he's getting a real ego boost off all this. Me being pathetic and weak.. him being the strong one.

I hate that. but i feel like my hands are tied. I can tell him to eff off, and i'll be screwed. He knows this too- i've been upfront with him, told him that i realize how i need him to get through this move and all. maybe that wasn't smart of me.. but i'm not one to ask for help or use people. and i just didn't feel right about it all.. so we had the whole conversation about me needing him still. Believe me, i WISH it wasn't this way, BUT IT IS. There's nothing i can do about it except to try to get through it gracefully and take steps to ensure it never happens with him or another person EVER AGAIN.

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