Perceptions
Wed. 02.04.04 - 1:02 p.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

hmm.. got a little insight today during a conversation with a friend. I think it's pretty important.. especially if i wish to not make the same mistake twice. So i'm posting it here in an effort to remember it.

Poet: When was the last time you felt in love?
hamakosan: a very long time ago maybe
hamakosan: with the ex of course
Poet: Of course...
hamakosan: i don't even really remember
Poet: So the feeling just evaporated? Not there? Gone?
Poet: Doesn't anything remind you of it? After all, you two live together...
hamakosan: well since we broke up..
Poet: When was that?
hamakosan: in november
hamakosan: 13th
hamakosan: hehe funny how i remember the date
hamakosan: bcause i can't remember the date we met
hamakosan: but i rememebr the date we broke up
hamakosan: here
hamakosan: that was the breakup day
hamakosan: so anyways,
hamakosan: as i was saying
hamakosan: since we've broken up, sometimes i'll come across things.. like a letter or a note.. and it'll remind me
hamakosan: but other than that.. i dunno, he's been so mean to me i just feel nothing towards him except hurt and resentment.
hamakosan: plus for a whole year before we broke up.. it was hell
hamakosan: that's why i have no entries in my journal. i was trying to hide from everything
hamakosan: didn't want to think about it.. didn't want to admit that it was over
hamakosan: that things were that bad
hamakosan: then one day i started to think about the possibility of just ending it.. started to face it.. that's when i started writing again
hamakosan: and i've been writing a lot since
Poet: I see... well, it sounds like you two just weren't for each other... and both refused to see it for some time.
hamakosan: yep
Poet: You liked the idea of being in love... you were in love with the idea of being with someone you love... and that prevented you from seeing that... perhaps you weren't in love with that someone to begin with.
Poet: I know the feeling.
hamakosan: hmm
hamakosan: interesting point Will
hamakosan: i hate to think that's true.. because despite the fact that i'm a romantic at heart.. i've never been one to fawn. or feel like i need a man. i'm ok with being alone.
hamakosan: i really was in love with him.. but yeah, i probably fell out a long time ago
Poet: Well, nobody feels they need somebody... and if they do, it is only an illusion. We don't NEED other people per se. There's a huge difference between necessary need and desire.
Poet: Probably...
Poet: Perhaps the image of the person you loved was quite different from your boyfriend... or at least altered in some ways as you got to know him. That's often the case.
hamakosan: i totally agree with the latter statement
hamakosan: that was probably the case
hamakosan: i mean.. i look at him now.. and i see all the things that i saw before but tried to ignore.. told myself they were just a part of his personality, excused some behaviors
hamakosan: in a way, settled for less than what i really wanted
Poet: Or what you really expected.
hamakosan: all because i was "in love" and told myself that 1. that's all i could get and 2. you're supposed to accept people
Poet: All you could get?
Poet: As in... it doesn't get any better?
hamakosan: yeah
hamakosan: sad, huh
hamakosan: but that's what i came to think
hamakosan: and he used to tell me that too
hamakosan: that i was hoping for too much
hamakosan: that people like that don't exist
hamakosan: which i couldn't understand.. because i felt like "but i'm like that! isn't there anyone else out there like that?!" but no.. after a while i just figured he was right
Poet: Well, there's no way for another person to know what is too much to hope for. But, taking a break from philosophy (also known as creative bullshitting)... I think you surrounded yourself with him, your relationship, and all that came with it, which prevented you from seeing the world out there, and making some necessary comparisons.
hamakosan: that is SO true
hamakosan: i really did make him my whole world
hamakosan: i closed myself off to everyone else
hamakosan: when i broke up with my ex.. two of my friends and i had a long talk.. and i remember them telling me "i think one day you're going to see that he held you back"
hamakosan: at the time i didn't know what they meant
hamakosan: but now i do
Poet: Well... let's hope there was a point in your relationship when he really appreciated that... even if only for a minute.
hamakosan: yeah i think he did.. but then he took it for granted.. and after a while, i feel like he even expected it
hamakosan: which is when i became really resentful

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