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Plan B Feeling: Last night was the first time since the ex and i broke up, that i seriously considered moving back to hawaii. Last night was NOT a good night. First, i was going on about 10 hours of sleep within the past 48 hours. Add in the fact that I had been at work half the day. Needless to say, i was irritable. but i'm naturally a perkyish talkative person.. so me being irritable = me being quiet. I missed the superbowl.. something that i was actually interested in watching. I got home around 5:30, and while i could have watched the rest of the game.. my ex was SO not having me put it on. I find that funny seeing as how he actually handed me the remote (which in MY mind gives me the impression that i am to tune in to any show of my choosing). but i'm just crazy, i guess. silly me. So when i turned on the game, he looked at me and with an attitude said, "are you seriously going to watch that?" umm.. i do believe that's why i turned it on. blahh whatever. i handed him back the remote and walked away. That interaction may seem petty.. and you might think i'm making a big deal out of nothing, but to me.. it's a classic example of our relationship. I'm allowed to have opinions and make choices... SO LONG AS HE APPROVES. The other thing i've noticed is that he KNOWS when he's gone too far with me. When he's pushed me to the point where i'm so angry with a person i don't give a damn about them. For someone like me, who cares about anything and everything.. it takes a LOT to get me to that point. I'm realizing he takes pleasure in getting a rise out of me. and i make it easy for him.. i get all hurt and weepy "why do you hate me, why can't we get along" blah blah blah. sometimes i just want to tell myself to shut the eff up. HE'S NOT WORTH IT. He wants to play victim, and i'm allowing him to. Until he goes too far, then i get upset.. and he realizes he needs to be nice again because he can't hurt me when i don't care about him. SO he's nice.. gets me to rethink my "fuq off" attitude towards him.. then the vicious cycle starts again. We had a little fight last night.. i left for a while, came back, then he left.. i had just resigned myself to the fact that we needed to just stay away from eachother.. when HE STARTED BEING NICE. After he told me not even 5 hours before that he couldn't stand me. blahhh just make up your friggin mind, will you?! THEN (this is even weirder) around 1am he decided to go to bed.. then he started his whole deal about asking when i planned on going to bed. UGH. i told him in an hour or so. he asked me if i could share the bed with him (i've been sleeping on the couch). I told him fine, but after an hour or so, i decided to move to the living room couch on my laptop. He came in an hour later asking me what i was doing "i can't sleep, are you busy?" now i don't want to sound full of myself but to me, that only means ONE THING. so what, you're only gonna be nice to me when you need something from me? maybe i was stupid and weak before and allowed myself to be cheapened that way.. but i'm worth more than that. it's over, and i don't appreciate being treated like a whore. the arse! I'm thinking.. as soon as Feb is over.. whether i'm in SF or Hawaii.. i'm probably going to cut him out of my life.. i don't know if it will be permanent.. but i need time away from him. Like i've always known and Rho said last night.. the whole situation is unhealthy. i'm breaking down every night, he's playing games, acting childish and there's just no point in us keeping in touch... we have nothing to offer eachother. he can't be a good friend to me, and i refuse to continue to be his punching bag. On the apartment front.. I'm frustrated with the room search. I still haven't found anything.. it's crazy. I figure i need a backup plan.. so AS MUCH AS I WOULD HATE MYSELF FOR DOING THIS, if i can't find anything by around the 20th, i'm gonna need to buy a plane ticket back home. Rho suggested it.. and i cried when she did, but yeah.. i might not have a choice, you know? She suggested it could just be till august or something.. so that i could have some time in hawaii, pick myself back up, do all that kinda stuff. Right now i'll allow that to linger in the back of my mind as plan B.. but am going to work with the mindset that SF is the only option.
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