Head vs Heart
Mon. 12.29.03 - 2:22 a.m.

Feeling:
Listening:
Quote:

My head and heart are at it again.

It seems like this tends to hit me the most in the middle of the night.. instead of staying awake till the wee hours of the morning talking to him, i'm awake till the wee hours of the morning.. alone. Which is cool, i have no problem with being alone anymore. It's just that i miss his friendship so damn much. It's funny, i have a ton of friends. GREAT friends. and yet.. my heart knows that there's one friend missing.

I've been wanting to talk to him. i miss him. I miss our late-night talks. His jokes, his laughter.. HIM.

For days now, i've been secretly thinking of e-mailing him. My head just hasn't been able to let my heart do it, though. What do you say to a person who you know is lying to you? What do you say to a person who, despite all of your attempts to get them to realize that you genuinely care about them, want them in your life, want them to be completely honest with you.. continues to hold back? Completely refuses to just be himself.

My head knows he just wants me to leave him alone already, to quit being a pest, that i didn't mean as much to him as my heart wanted to believe. This is where it gets tricky, though. My heart comes in and wants to know WHY. Why did he lie about everything, why did he let me fall, why did he pretend to fall too. Then the head responds with "that's something he'll never tell you, so there's no point in asking."

I stand by this though.. i came to know HIM. I didn't care about the physicalities. Not even the character he portrayed to me. I'm talking about personality. Thought process. You can't fake stuff like that, no matter what anyone says. I don't know how to explain it.. but that's as close as i'll get i suppose. i still wish i could just ask him though.. what held you back? what were you so afraid of? because i'm so sure that if he had just told me, that whatever fears he had.. i could have calmed them.

But maybe i need to realize that's not my job.. to calm people down. It's hard when you've been doing it your whole life, though. I took care of my younger siblings. Was always the amateur psychologist for my friends. I myself was nurtured by my grandma.. no matter the hard times spent with my parents, i was somehow able to absorb the qualities of unconditional love, support and kindness. I really do attribute that to my grandmother.. i KNOW i wouldn't be the person i am today if it hadn't been for her. I guess some people just haven't been so lucky.

but i digress.

The thing is, i still want to be his friend. Obviously we can't be anything more than that anymore, but i honestly feel like we could be great friends if he would just come clean about everything. I certainly always thought of him as a good friend, though i'm not sure the feeling was mutual, anymore.. despite what he said. In all honesty though, i'd probably always leave the door open for him to walk back into my life.. as long as he told the truth and there weren't anymore lies. But I won't hold my breath waiting for him to wake up and realize we had an awesome friendship aside from the attraction and deception. If he doesn't want to be my friend, then that's his loss.. because despite what i think about myself, i do know that i'm a wonderful friend to the people in my life. He could have had that, my unconditional friendship. but he made his choice.. and chose otherwise.

Now i just have to learn to live with it.

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