My Truth
Thurs. 12.18.03 - 3:39 p.m.

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I told myself i wasn't going to write in here for a few days.. stay away for a bit, to try to gather my thoughts, come back refreshed. but i need to say something. i've been holding back. i haven't been completely honest about everything. But it's making me so crazy, i can't keep it in anymore. So here it is, my truth.

the truth is.. i'm not willing to let him play it safe with me anymore. it's all or nothing. and even then, nothing means i still want him as a friend. because not having him in my life is worse than having to switch to friend mode when i'm completely in love with him. Maybe that's me trying to have my cake and eat it too, but why the hell have cake if you can't eat it? i never understood that..

the truth is.. i love him. even after the first lie, i still loved him.. and was willing to work on it all. and now, i love him even more than i did before. and i still want to try. and if he left again.. i wouldn't be able to deal.

the truth is.. i secretly wish he'd love me enough to just show up at my door. because i really think that if he did that.. it would be really close to "..and they lived happily ever after"

the truth is.. i still want the 4 kids, the dog and the cat.. with him.

the truth is.. i'm scared of getting hurt again.

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